Introduction ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock

A teenager learns abortion is murder and Jesus is the only solution. In other words, pray for a miscarriage!

Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Nothing draws in potential readers like putting a nightmarish, one-armed, half-torsoed baby with a wailing, adult-sized head on the cover of your comic.

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	You know, that’s a pretty useful idea — a car that shouts “Stop hitting me!” Fun fact: People who care about the environment are absurdly filthy, lazy, heathen retards with no consideration for their poor dear mothers or anyone but themselves. Looks like she gets her jewelry at Au Bon Pain. The guy’s mouth looks like “The Muppet that Ate Stonehenge”. And what’s with the white stuff all over his jacket? Either he was helping the Ghostbusters battle Stay-Puft, or he… on second thought, I don’t want to know. Her “darlings” appear to be some ridiculous bone-munching kid who belongs in a zoo, a mustachioed kid who belongs in Zoolander, and a stereotypical Native American boy. Take a good, long look because aside from a brief appearance where a couple peer out from behind a couch, we will never see these children again in the rest of the Tract.

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	She’s gasping so hard, she inhaled her thumb and detonated her left ear. Well, what the hell do you expect, naming him “Billy Bob”? By the way, this is the last time we’ll be seeing him as well. Not sure why Jack decided to put these people in at all, since they have negligible bearing on the plot of this Tract as a whole. I guess maybe he found himself with a couple extra panels and figured he’d lash out arbitrarily at environmentalists by depicting them as goofy, ridiculously retarded, grunting fucksticks. Yay, it’s Fang! The only thing to ever really like about a Chick Tract. What the hell is he growling at, though? Wait, it looks like… Why is there a mouse in blackface peering out from a hole in the corner of the couch?

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Thelma didn’t have a hunchback a couple panels ago. Maybe when she eats, she gets a fatty hump on her back, sort of like a camel. Or maybe she’s farting so hard it’s blasting her skirt out in a huge funnel shape behind her, which could explain why the cat’s so pissed. “I can’t! I have to eat this whole tambourine before Eric shows up. Oop — my head is twisting off and rolling down my shoulder again.”

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	HAW HAW IRONY! This guy from this family calling Eric a bum! Goodbye, family! We won’t see any of you but Thelma again! Wait… is mom Jane Hathaway? Ah, I can see what she sees in Eric, with his devil-may-care, no-helmet attitude… his beady eyes cushioned in middle-aged-looking bags hanging like droopy, raw eggs in his eye sockets… his fishy lips pulled into a permanently disgusted snarl… UH-OH! CONDOMS! Rubber sheaths stretched over penises are EVIL.

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	You’re going to vomit again? What a coincidence — so am I! Are you reading a Chick Tract, too? Parts of images that are most often lovingly detailed and realistically crafted in Chick Tracts: Toilets and gay men’s muscles. I’m not sure what conclusion to draw from this. The girl in the second panel isn’t actually talking, she’s just really good at tonguing the massive groove in her teeth in such a way as to produce a range of sounds that resemble English. You know, why the hell is she even necessary? This is the seventh character to which we’ve needlessly been briefly introduced who we will never see again.

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“Don’t forget to pick up your condoms. You guys left them all over the floor after the last class, and the janitor refused to clean them up.” Bahahahaha, erm, uh… you can’t be fucking serious. We’ve had a condom break, and, uh, it’s not the kind of thing a person can be oblivious to without, oh, say, missing a few chromosomes, having part of a fence lodged in one’s head, having a grenade go off in one’s sinus cavity, having a fishnet stocking enveloping one’s brain due to some kind of neurosurgery mishap… you see where I’m going with this. Anyway, point is, when a condom slips or breaks, you fucking know about it. This is a ridiculous presumption, that a woman wouldn’t notice chunks of rubber or a dislodged condom in her vagina. Though, I guess it kind of makes sense in the conservative Christian perspective, where women are supposed to just lay back and not question the penises and other things going in and out of their various orifices. Oh, and when the condom does break or slip, you rush out to your nearest drug store (~$40) or Planned Parenthood (free) and get yourself some Plan B. Often mischaracterized by conservative Christians as “an abortion pill” or “the devil”, Plan B is merely something close to a triple dose of the birth control pill. It works to prevent ovulation, fertilization, or post-fertilization implantation. (No, for those who hold this belief, life does not begin at fertilization. Either pick up a reproductive biology textbook sometime, or demonstrate how much you really care about this arbitrary definition of “human life” as “a cell with human DNA in it that could potentially become a blastocyst, embryo, fetus, then baby” by going into perpetual mourning for the loss of all the fertilized eggs that naturally never implant.)

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Oh, this is a great shot — blurry smudges from outside an obviously less than transparent window. Sometimes I think I spend more time mocking these goddamned things than he does actually drawing them. What never ceases to amaze me is the fundamentalist ability to take every opposing argument and alter it to make it seem incredibly arbitrary and oversimplified. Look how she’s drawn — she MUST be a villain. Chick can never make his antagonists normal- or innocent-looking people, because he can only make his argument through vilifying and demonizing people with perspectives that oppose or conflict with his own. *gasp* Not tell her parents? But that body doesn’t belong to her, it belongs to them! That’s why daddy can fuck her whenever he wants — that vagina is technically his until she turns eighteen. (They also use her hair to strain pasta, her teeth to open bottles, and her armpits to ripen various cheeses.)

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Er, uh… how would she be ruining his life? I thought she was getting an abortion. “Ew, temporary tattoo of a unicorn? I hate unicorns. It’s over!” That’s not God up there, Ashley, that’s just a cat somehow levitating above your face. And he ain’t helpin’ shit. By the way, either this is some kind of alternate universe where the girl from Bewitched? somehow never got hooked on drugs, or 80% of all “unsaved” teenage girls in Chick’s universe have black hair, the same face shape, and are named Ashley.

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Eric went to the dentist once and the Novocain never wore off. Or maybe through some surgical mishap, doctors inadvertently installed an active goat anus inside Eric’s nasal cavity, and that’s a smell you never get used to.

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	LYING PROPAGANDA, YOU SAY!? Unlike Chick Tracts, right? So “it’s not a kid yet” stated about a two-month-old development of what’s basically a roughly human-formed clump is an inaccurate statement because…? “It’s time you heard the truth. Or, well, the fundamentalist interpretation of what’s going on around us. See, much like what we do with the Bible, where we focus nearly exclusively on a select number of excerpts and interpret them in whatever way reinforces our existing prejudices and preconceptions, we do the same thing with reality, rejecting the majority of our sensory input and information from the observable world and interpreting the information we do receive in whatever way reinforces our existing prejudices and preconceptions. Anyway, come on, let’s go listen to that.” When I was in middle school, I once had a doctor — not our usual doctor — look down my throat and my sister’s throat and then tell my mom we didn’t have strep throat because he couldn’t see any white spots. When we were able to get to our regular doctor, he said he’d never heard of a doctor who could diagnose strep throat by sight only. It turns out my sister actually had it. Another doctor in the area told a kid from my school he “just had a stomachache”. A few days later, the kid’s appendix ruptured and he had to have emergency surgery. I’m not sure simply being a doctor necessarily somehow automatically makes a person an expert on all parts and functions of the human body. Especially when, I mean, is this guy even an OB/GYN, or is he just a general practitioner? In any event, it might be living, but it’s not a “baby”. Until the eighth week it’s an embryo; after that, until birth, it’s a fetus. When it comes out, it’s a baby. It may seem like it’s just a semantics argument, but in this particular situation in this Tract, this is what is inside Ashley’s body. Compare that to this. Call me crazy, but it seems like there are a few subtle differences. I mean, if you’re really up for re-enacting Eraserhead, I guess you can consider what’s in the first image a “baby”, but…

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Does nobody in this fucking town have windows made of transparent glass? “As a medical professional,” huh? Certainly not as a rational, intelligent human being, apparently. “Well, you’re two teenagers, at least one of you has an extremely dysfunctional family, you’re both so mind-searingly stupid and oblivious that you didn’t notice a condom breaking during sex so I doubt either of you will ever get a job that doesn’t involve a paper hat, your combined checking and savings — if you’ve ever even been to a bank, let alone opened an account — probably add up to less than what I paid for my heating bill last month, and neither of you has health insurance, but I have to tell you the truth: Not having this baby would be one of the biggest mistakes you two could make.” You know, anencephalic babies are technically “living [babies]”, as well. That doesn’t mean they’re human just because they’re roughly human-shaped and can piss and move around and process nervous sensation. Fetal pigs can piss and move around and process nervous sensation, too. It’s a good thing Jeremiah wasn’t miscarried, then, isn’t it? If God wanted every single conception to result in a baby, there’d either be no such thing as miscarriage, or it’d be something that happens much more rarely than it does. And, you know, either God knows everything that’s going to happen or he doesn’t, make up your fucking minds already. Is God omnipotent or isn’t he? Is he so incompetent that he’s going to pre-ordain prophets who’ll ultimately be aborted or miscarried?

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“But don’t worry, kid — she’s still in her first trimester. There’s a thirty percent chance she’ll miscarry it anyway. Pray for that. It’s not an abortion if God does it!” That’s another thing, why are we equating something that happens naturally and rather often with murder? And what about if a woman accidentally, say, handles prescription medication or other materials that can cause pregnancy complications and she ends up miscarrying? Is that the equivalent of manslaughter? If you didn’t know you were pregnant and taking folic acid would’ve prevented your miscarriage, is that negligent homicide? “What??? Me? Responsible for murder? Why, that lightly dishevels my hair and makes me drip two beads of sweat while gently massaging my cheek!”

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“Doctor Harris was right on target, Eric. I mean, not with any of the reproductive biology stuff, but when he shot that deer when we were driving him back to his place.” “I’ve changed into my referee outfit, and am going to read to you from the professional football rulebook.” You have to have some level of suspicion about a guy who considers lying and murder equal. Especially when the punishment is the same infinitely overblown “eternal torture” for both. “What’s that? You shot three people in the face for no reason? Hell for you. *toss* Next! Says here you told your wife she wasn’t fat when she asked. Do you see that? That’s a cankle. Goodbye. *toss* Next! Bullshit, you didn’t actually like that sweater your aunt got you. *plunk* Next!”

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“Hey, you’re SCARING me, Uncle Mike! You’re starting to look like a smug, drowsy Hitler in glasses! And you punched me in the face and gave me two black eyes!” Eric looks like he’s aged about a decade in the last two panels. Thankfully he’s still got that disgusted look we’ve all grown to love! “He doesn’t want you to go there, Eric. Sure, he made it the default for your afterlife, and sure, he’s omnipotent, and could just not punish you for the rest of time, and sure, maybe his instructions are vague and contradictory and he’s never really done anything to correct this, but really, he doesn’t want you to go to hell when you die.” Uncle Mike might want to look into a house jack, before the entire thing collapses to the left.

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Yeah, Jesus was a white guy. Everyone in the Middle East was white. You know, I think believing Jesus was white automatically disqualifies anything a Christian has to say about religion. Next time you’re arguing with a fundamentalist, ask them, “what color was Jesus?” If they say “white”, hit them hard with a rolled-up newspaper and then ignore everything else they have to say. I’d like to say more about this panel, but the first half is just another goddamned translucent window, and the second half is just a bunch of people standing around with typical Chick boilerplate.

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Oh come on, Jack — does the Bible really have all these little parenthetical annotations? Thing reads like the kids’ “trying to be funny” rendition of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: 🎵 Jesus the bearded prophet / Claimed to be the son of God (up in heaven!) And if you don’t accept him / You’ll be raped with hot, forked rods (down in hell!) All of the Jewish people / Used to laugh and call him names (like “impostor”!) They never let poor Jesus / Join in any Jewish games (like Scrabble!) Then one foggy Easter eve, Romans came to say… (rabble rabble rabble) “Jesus, you’re a fraud downright / You’ll ride on this cross tonight!” Now people claim to love him / But they’re all led easily (duh-whee!) Jesus the bearded prophet / Your fans twisted your legacy! …sorry. This panel never leaves me much to work with.

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“HOMPH HOMF OH UNCLE MIKE HOMPH I FOUND THIS CANDY EMBEDDED IN YOUR CARPET HOMPH HURMPH GLOMF DELICIOUS HURMPH JUJUBE HOMPH” Well, if he didn’t notice the absence of a complete, semen-filled condom on his penis after pulling out, I don’t doubt he’d be easily convinced to buy any story anyone randomly told him. Damn, that’s one smug prick.

Page 19 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	So somehow he just telepathically knows “how God wants him to live”? Hey, this is exactly what this Tract was in need of: More shrill disgust! Thank you, Jack.

Page 20 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	I hope he never sees the sudden curve ’til it’s way too late. If prayer has such an actual effect in reality, then, uh, why does abortion still happen? Why doesn’t everyone get a flat tire on the way to the abortion clinic? This is just silly. I wonder how many people are actually lured into conservative Christianity by the implication they’ll be given magical powers to manipulate reality through the power of God. If she doesn’t want to do it, then why doesn’t she just fucking SAY she doesn’t want to do it? Why can’t it be that Ashley actually wants to have an abortion? “Pro-choice” means that it’s just as wrong to force people to have an abortion as it is to force people to not have an abortion. Why is Jack arguing against something that proponents of reproductive choice already agree is a bad thing? @!!!**!

Page 21 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Wait, so she’s not getting the abortion, and the two main characters are getting saved? Never saw that coming. So basically, a guy who at first wants his girlfriend to get an abortion changes his mind and prevents his girlfriend from having an abortion imposed on her against her own will. I don’t… what? This is actually more pro-choice than anti-abortion. If Ashley never wanted to have an abortion in the first place… I… I don’t… understand what Chick was trying to… And what was with the first few panels of this Tract? Billy Bob and his girlfriend’s “little darlings” that never fucking show up again, the girlfriend only being needlessly used as a plot device later in the story? It’s… I don’t… just… GODDAMN is this FUCKING STUPID. @!!!**!

Page 22 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“You will always be second in my heart to this rather cruel, vindictive, petty person someone once convinced me existed and was the son of God, who will burn me for the rest of time if I don’t believe in him. And I’ll strap you in your car seat and roll the car into a lake if he tells me to.” One year later, she has a two year old with a full head of hair? - Ah, I see, so it’s perfectly okay to have an abortion, then, as long as you accept Jesus immediately afterward. What are fundamentalists so uppity about? If the whole point is to save people’s souls, not do anything to contribute to their lives, then why not let people have abortions and then accept Jesus afterward? The fetuses go to heaven, and the mothers go to heaven, then, too, right? Everyone wins! - It’ll look kind of like a shrimp and will writhe around involuntarily on the floor incapable of any kind of thought, but yeah… your “baby” will be there. - Bullshit. - So basically, do whatever the hell you want to in life, even if it conflicts with conservative Christianity, accept Jesus right before you die, and you’ll go to heaven regardless.

Conclusion ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock

The Only Moral Abortion is My Abortion I couldn’t really figure out where to work this in above, since this Tract was so ridiculous and confusing and disjointed and probably Jack’s worst attempt at coherently flowing narrative to date, but it’s definitely something people should read. It’s rather amazing how hypocritical and self-centered fundamentalists can be, and how even when they’re given personal firsthand insight into the circumstances and contexts of the things they’re protesting, they’re capable of such intense cognitive dissonance that their situation is “moral” while the same situation for anyone else is somehow still “immoral”. Why we let these obviously mentally fractured people who are so out of touch with reality it borders on schizophrenia have any say in governance of people as a whole, let alone the massive influence and mainstream airtime they already receive, is beyond my comprehension. America, home of the PFFF JESUS SPOKE THROUGH MY TOASTER AND TOLD ME TO HATE GAYS AND BEAT MY DAUGHTER FOR HAVING SEX

Further Reading ⇑ ⇓

Other Reviews & Commentaries ⇑