Introduction ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock

Here’s Chick’s introduction, from the Big List O’ Tracts: “Time was running out for Ashley. Drugs would soon kill her. But a praying grandmother made the difference.” In the epic war between heaven and hell over souls, the Battle of Ashley Wilson would go down in the history books of angel, demon and man alike as one of the most deciding battles. Also, something vaguely about how some TV show from half a century ago helps give people black magic superpowers. Yes, this is apparently named after that cheesy sitcom in which an average mid-20th-century stereotypical marriage is mildly complicated by the fact that the wife is a witch.

Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	No thanks, I already have one!

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“It is time for our rave, sire! Does everybody have their lollipops?” What the fuck is this guy, anyway? I didn’t know feces got an afterlife.

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Say what you will about Hell, but it does have some pretty nice conference rooms.

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Effective at what? Is watching Get Smart effective at making people detectives? Does watching episodes of The Monkees make people instantly able to play the guitar? Do Chick-Brand fundamentalists really believe that looking at a thing makes you somehow turn into it? Is that why they’re always trying to censor everyone’s genitals? ‘Cause it ain’t working - they’re all still dicks. Let’s step back to a meta level, here: By depicting evil and witchcraft and such, isn’t Jack aiding Satan in exactly the same way as these TV shows of which he’s so critical? Anyway, if Bewitched is an act of Satan, was Dick York getting injured and subsequently becoming addicted to painkillers, collapsing on the set, and quitting the show all an act of God?

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“Sir, I know this is hell and all, but, uh, me and the boys were wondering… can we at least have chairs? Even legs would be nice. I mean, you wouldn’t think we’d need legs in Hell and all, but… you built all these board rooms for some reason.”

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“And all of it’s working! Every young person who ever uses a Ouija board gets everything they want!” I’d find this more believable if there was ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL that ANY OF THIS HAD ANY TANGIBLE EFFECT. And how are “hallucinatory drugs” tools of Satan? The same way as rock music, I’d imagine. “We have a winner in our drug division… the Oscar goes to… cocaine!” *applause* *handjobs all around* Impressive he can juggle drugs. Pills are hard to catch, and syringes are a real bitch.

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Astrology sales? “Yes, I’d like to buy an Astrology, please.” LET’S USE ARBITRARY SYMBOLISM TO COMBAT OTHER ARBITRARY SYMBOLISM Why’d they all suddenly turn into Plaid Elementals?

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	I think the dude on the left is about to sneeze, all over what’s apparently the ghost of Nelson Muntz. “Our lady with the gift of prophecy”? Am I missing a joke here or something? In claiming anarchy is “evil”, one is implying that fascism is “good”. It also seems to illustrate a fundamental misunderstanding of what anarchy really is. Then again, Chick and ilk also feel that pornography and homosexuality are “evil” as well. I’d like for them to explain to me what intrinsic properties any of these things have that make them “evil”. And I mean intrinsic, not symbolism that’s been attached to them by religion or cultural superstition or societal superego. “Who wants to smell my finger? Guys? Hey! Hey, guys! Do you dare me to shove it into this fire? Who’ll give me ten bucks to shove it into this fire?”

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	So, wait, the really terrifying implication, here, based on the emphasis of certain words, is that Chick wants there to be a fundamentalist One World Government. Chilling. Though, uh, wait a damn minute - how can there be a worldwide government if anarchy is on the rise? Again… fundamental misunderstanding of terms. I’m beginning to think that’s what “fundamentalist” really means. “Ecumenical movement”. Oh, God forbid people try to arbitrarily organize our arbitrary symbolism!

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“Well, given our apparently near-total domination of the media, government, religion, and consumer goods, this single praying grandmother totally throws a fuckin’ spanner into our works, doesn’t it?” You know, there’s something I never understood: What kind of god would want people to starve themselves in order for something positive to happen in their lives? What the cock is that shit? It’s like, “all this horrible stuff is happening in my life! Please make it stop!” “NOT UNLESS YOU COMPLICATE THINGS FURTHER BY MAKING YOURSELF SICK BY STOPPING NUTRIENT INTAKE.” “Yes, God! You are truly loving and just!”

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	I don’t really get the whole “battle for souls” thing, either. So, life is just one big sorting system for souls? Like Earth is one big Plinko board like on The Price is Right, only instead of different amounts of money at the bottom, it’s “Hell”, “Heaven”, “Purgatory”, “Limbo”, etc? *gasp* An executive! I dunno, the infodump on the right is just goofy. Do they have this all in some big database somewhere? I wonder what Hell’s filing technique is. Let us hope it isn’t unstoppable.

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	So she sleeps with a nest with eggs in it, a Raggedy Andy, and half a cat stitched to half a large rabbit. “Dear God, Why does my head hurt? The whole top of my head. I don’t know why.” “Yes, master, she also wants her home.” Ashley’s grandmother wants Ashley’s home? Or…? Yeah, when was the last time you saw someone pray for something, and than that prayer actually came true? Probably the last time you saw a Ouija board actually work, I’m sure. Something fun to do while reading these: Swap every instance of “salvation” with “salivation”.

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	I somehow doubt the plausibility of your prognosis, doctor Turd-in-a-Robe.

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Jack Chick: Expert on drug use and its effects. Oh, and hey, while we’re at it, why don’t we ask him about D&D and sex? Groovy! Dig the lingo, man! Totally bummer, dude! Like, radical! …Not! And the conversation, here, just doesn’t make any damn bit of sense. It’s so fucking contrived. Where’d the “your mom” thing come from? And what’s with the assumption that they’re into drugs, so they’re all, like, totally into this groovy, bitchin’ mystic shit, too, dude? Bogus!

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“Turn not to those (mediums) who fart ghosts from their talking nipples.” - Lev 19:31 So, uh, I’ve never actually seen this happen. Anyone else? Is Jack writing these about another dimension, or…? Perhaps he’s more experienced with drug use than we’d expect. Her mom is a translucent Punch and Judy puppet. BIBLE WARNING Caution: Bible is hot.

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“Ashley’s grandmother continues with her prevailing prayer.” Try saying that five times fast. I like how “the enemy” is so clear-cut a concept. Evil always has a face, and the entire world operates in black and whites! There is never any middle ground/grey area/etc! So apparently there’s no real free will at all - your actions are all dominated by either other people’s prayers or demonic influence. And I like how she’s hitchhiking. Yeah, that’s real fucking safe. God is compelling sixteen-year-old girls to hitchhike.

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Boy, what a better world it would be if we executed every person claiming to be clairvoyant, and every supposed psychic. Round up the gays in there, too, and that would just solve every problem wouldn’t it? Isn’t it also an Old Testament law not to eat a calf in its mother’s milk? Haven’t we been through this?

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	Supposed LSD brain damage or not, anyone who can’t recognize a hallucination has some preexisting issues. Same goes for the heart attack - nowhere have I read that LSD causes heart problems or heart attacks, so obviously she had a weak heart to begin with. She could’ve watched The Ring and had a similar reaction. So, uh… I guess what Jack is saying, here, is that LSD and other drugs actually have no effect at all, and that all the things you experience while on it, and all the flashbacks, are all really just demonic activity. How often is he going to rely on this tactic of depicting characters with obviously preexisting conditions as developing these issues from “sin”, anyway? Everybody wants the doctor who makes a flash diagnosis and then immediately retracts it. “I’m afraid she’s going to die; we’re not sure whether she’s going to die, but ask again at eight.”

Page 19 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	That night, grandma was sucked into the Plaid Dimension, where angels are apparently bouncers of some sort. “I hate the way that woman prays. Ass all sticking out like that… gah. Seriously, her posture is horrible. And it doesn’t help that she does it in her Bobcat Goldthwait voice, either. Hate it.” Hands up, Christians, how many times God has immediately answered your prayers, bending to your every whim.

Page 20 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	(Insert usual blah blah blah fundamentalist Jesus Saves rant here.) “Hey, grandma, thanks for waking me back up into this horrible nightmare of a world! What’s that? Jesus? Sure, I’ll buy whatever the hell you want to tell me. Just let me die.”

Page 21 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“I’m saved, I’m saved, just let me die already! Jesus, souls, he’s in my heart, whatever. Yes, yes, I saw the pink penguins, and the rose-colored bear draped me in a blanket of spider’s silk, and they served the tea made from the magical goat urine. Yes, yes. Goodb… good… what’s that? Yes, grandma, I did. Beavers sorrowfully releasing daffodils into the stream, and all that. Goodbye, grandma.” “I’m sorry, you’ll have to go now. No relatives comforting their dying relatives in their final moments. Hospital policy.” “This is Dr. Hensley. I’m sorry, but Ashley passed away just 10 minutes ago. Call back at 6:45 and we’ll know for sure.”

Page 22 ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock	“I have ways of making you really sorry. You can’t come to tomorrow’s rave. Nyah.”

Conclusion ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock

I’m sorry, this is all just too ridiculous, and anyone who believes this is a gullible moron. There, I’ve said it. There’s no other way of looking at it. It’s just too damn silly. Grandma versus the demon! Who will win? Who gets her soul? Who will Ashley choose? Who gives a shit? Seriously, is this all there is? Is this what an omnipotent fucking being who created and controls all the cosmos does to occupy his fucking time? Uses grandmas to play tug-o-war with cloaked anthropomorphic feces? Hell, we humans have come up with better entertainment than that. Here, God, wanna play my Wii? Come on down. You can squirt carrot juice at crazy-looking rabbits by making jerk-off motions and navigate a pig through a bomb field and dozens of other things, all in just one game. Much more fun than this stupid “count the souls!” shit you’ve got going on. Y’know, for a Tract called Bewitched, with the whole TV sitcom setup in the first few panels, the show sure didn’t factor in much to any of this. What the fuck?

Further Reading ⇑ ⇓

Other Reviews & Commentaries ⇑ ⇓

Parodies ⇑