Introduction ⇑ ⇓

Jabberwock

Mr. Chick has outdone himself with this new tract. It is, like most of his tracts, about how we’re all going to burn in hell. This is a guest dissection by M. “Djur” Boeh, Knight of Malta and royal consort to Queen Elizabeth I of England. For more lies, visit the Desperance Network.

Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	We’re all made of meat!

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	“OH GOD HOMPH HOMPH YUM CHICKEN HOMPH POTATOES HOMPH PRICKS” Here we see Jack Chick’s dark view of the world. We have a shameful glutton; a woman being driven slowly insane by her loutish, bloated husband’s snoring; and a dog being forced to sleep out in the rain. It’s a terrible world, isn’t it, Jack? A WORLD WHERE MEN LICK DICK?

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Looks like someone has tertiary pneumonia. Jack should have made this the chick from “That Crazy Guy!” It’d be like an inside joke for the hardcore fundies and Chick-mockers. Another example of the hideous, painful world Jack lives in. OH GOD ETHEL I WISH MY WANG STILL WORKED HURRRRRRRK DEAD

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Your parents aren’t ugly, hairy monkeys, kids. They’re a couple of white people in animal hides with neatly coiffed hair. What is this shit? Were there razors in the Garden of Eden? Beyond that, why are they clothed? It’s common knowledge straight from the Bible that Adam and Eve didn’t wear clothes until they ate the Fruit of Knowledge and realized they were a couple of shameless exhibitionists. In this case, why is the snake still in temptation mode, and why’s the First Couple so damned happy-looking? Shouldn’t they be ashamed and cowering from God? The real answer, of course, is that Biblical accuracy must stand aside for modern prudishness regarding the instruments of Satan we have dangling off our body.

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	HUAUGUUAUGUAUUGUALBRP BLUB. This is a truly great panel. Look at the white man drowning. 8 people? Is Jack-boy forgetting that the early Hebrews were polygamous? The Noah clan would be sure to have many wives — especially helpful when you’re facing the task of repopulating the world without engaging in too much incest. Why is Noah’s wife dressed like a German hausfrau?

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	This is incredible. From left, we have such luminaries as the Ayatollah Khomeini, a Mexican thug, the Pope, a damned Chinawoman, a burka-clad Muslim, a suspicious woman of high society, Ozzie bin Ladin, some kind of black intellectual, the Buddha, a sinister sheikh, Chairman Mao, the chick from “It’s Coming”, a Buddhist Monk, and, of course, an Ottoman Turk. Considering that Chick thinks most of these people are filthy heretics or worse, it amuses me that he threw in a token black man. BONUS SUPER EXTREME EDIT: Mr. Alec Kyras informs me that the black man appears to be Lawrence Fishburne, known for his role as “Morpheus” in the smash hit action movie The Matrix. How did we come in a variety of colors if Adam and Eve were white as snow? Dark skin is dominant. White people don’t have the requisite genes to have black kids.

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Apparently some of us are also huge pricks. Why is everyone featured in a Chick tract so ugly? HEY! IT’S J. JONAH JAMESON! TALKING TO PETER PARKER?? I think Chick had just watched Spider-Man 2 when he drew this strip.

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Why is a baby included in the smorgasbord of sinners? Is Chick a primitive Catholic suddenly? As usual, Chick’s depiction of a Biblical event directly contradicts the actual text of Holy Writ. God was pretty clearly in human form and had to call out for Adam and Eve, who were hiding. Nothing about a big white man’s hand taking Adam by surprise. In addition, Adam and Eve covered themselves with fig leaves, not with animal skins. Some Biblical literalism, Jack. Of course, this is because Chick and his fellow fundies don’t actually believe in the Bible. They believe in the particular religious tradition they were raised in, like most people. That tradition has little to do with the actual text of the Bible.

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	HOMPH HOMPH HOMPH OH GOD YES Adam looks a lot different in this panel. At least he’s naked here. I didn’t think fundies believed in inheritance of original sin. That’s Catholic doctrine. EVIL SATANIC CATHOLIC DOCTRINE SIR. Sinners don’t go to heaven. Well, prickhead Mr. God, you’re the one who made people sin in the first place. What a dickweed. I guess this is kind of like the whole self-sacrificing thing, but I’ll get to that later.

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	All together now: 🎵 HIIIIIIGH-way to Hell! 🎵 I’m expecting to read “Burma Shave” here somewhere. Also, I like how Jack Chick is using “hip” and “radical” casual language and slang to pick up those young people with their hip-hop and low-rise jeans and Satanic rock music like Creed.

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Ah, and here we have the classic disturbing triune god issue. You know, the concept of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit actually originated some centuries after the birth of Christ, in the Catholic church — after the “real Christians” Jack believes in went into hiding. Clouds in space. Awesome. And, again, we have a Semitic woman depicted as lily-white.

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	The Holy Spirit came upon Mary? Not to beat a dead horse, but since when do external ejaculations impregnate women? Fun fact: the world’s two biggest religions feature conceptions without the aid of a human male. Christianity has the Holy Money Shot, and Buddhism has a weird legend about a dream of a white elephant fucking Gautama’s mother with his trunk. I suspect this is due to remnants of matriarchal theology.

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Yet again, we have a bunch of white semitic Jews. Oh, and a very distilled summation of J-Man’s many teachings. Also, Santa Jew.

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Nice piece of fundie theology here. See, if you look at the wording, Jesus didn’t attack the Pharisees because they were perverting Judaism — he attacked them so they would have him killed. Kind of an early version of “suicide by cop.” Note the standard Chick strategy of depicting the bad guys as wretched trolls. In this case, he has a lovely “big-nosed kike” caricature going. So much for Loving the Jews. I still don’t get this self-sacrifice thing. Why did God have to make humans kill his avatar so he’d let them into heaven? Why couldn’t he just let them in himself? It’s not like God actually died; his dopey vessel did. It’s like I was mad at you, but then I cut myself and decided that was enough for you to be forgiven. Utterly ludicrous. BONUS NOTE: Who the hell is the Pharisee on the right talking to? The other Pharisee? His phalanx of armed guards? HIS BUNNY NAMED HARVEY ??

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	That is some nasty shit, Jack. Look at that. Jesus is ripped in more ways than one — check out those fuckin’ delts, man. ROCK HARD.

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Doubting Thomas there has some fucking huge ears. Heaven has many mansions. I bet Heaven is really just Rhode Island.

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Again, the tendency to make non-Christians incredibly repulsive. Also, the refrain of “individuality and self-reliance are tools of Satan.” This is something I’ve talked about on many other occasions. Either God doesn’t really care about the people who are going to Hell, or he’s just an incompetent. You’d think he’d have predicted that his avatar wouldn’t be enough to save the vast majority of humans on Earth. You’d also think that he would have made sure Jesus said “oh, and the Catholic Church is totally going to pervert my teachings and send you all to hell.” What a fuck-up.

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	This here is the best panel since the famous “fighting the Zombie” remark from “Dark Dungeons.” Right off, anyone who calls God “Allah” is going straight to hell, even though the Arabic word for ‘god’ is, well, ‘allah’. “I’m a Buddhist and YOU don’t exist.” Jack Chick is so blissfully ignorant of other religions that he’s managed to confuse Buddhism with solipsism. This has become an instant classic line. “(Fuck|Shit|Damn|Hell)! There’s nothing wrong with adultery or lying!” Who says this? Seriously. Even people who believe there’s nothing wrong with adultery or lying don’t go around saying it amidst profane ejaculations. “We’re all GODS!” I think it’d have been really awesome if he’d thrown “‘Do as thou wilt’ shall be the whole of the law” in there somewhere. “We’ve shacked up for years…” You know, living with one’s partner doesn’t necessarily include sex, whether or not you’re married. In any case, it’s a fucking hilarious line. Say it aloud a few times. Say it in kind of a sultry drunk hillbilly voice. Say it like Eartha Kitt. You know you want to. “I LOVE being nasty…” What the hell is this supposed to mean, anyway? It sounds like something a cheap whore would murmur to you before asking for a minute to snort a few lines on the toilet seat. Feel free to repeat this line in the aforementioned voices. It’s great. “I love my sin… HUAURUAUGUAUTLGPPTH OH GOD DEUCE NO”

Page 19 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Another “we are the world that jacks your car” scene. You can see an Azn punk in the lower left corner, an extremely wrinkled old bat in the middle, some kind of half-black half-Hindu type behind her, and a fucking COWBOY in the right. Why does God need to know that you’ve sinned? Doesn’t he know everything? Haven’t we all sinned anyway? Reference the previous remark about Him being a total idiot. OH GOD BE MY MASTER !! I’M A SLUTTY LITTLE TART AND I’VE BEEN REAL BAD !! OH DEAR LORD NOT THE WHIP AGAIN !! NOT MY ASS

Page 20 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	“That’s too damn easy. Shouldn’t I have to meditate on a big black dildo or something like that?” “Um… yeah, actually, you do. And you have to let me take pictures. For, um… my church group.”

Page 21 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Cletus the Slack-Jawed Evangelist. Try saying his line in a hick voice. “Thiys ays duh mowst em-POR-tahnt de-SHIZ-un in yer un-TIRE LIYFE-uh.” And the sinner appears to be striking some sort of kung-fu pose. I have no comment on the second panel. It speaks for itself.

Page 22 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	YOU FUCKING RETARD, YOU REJECTED JESUS. GAME OVER. LUCKILY, YOU HAVE TWO CONTINUES LEFT. RESPAWN [Y/n]? This is great. See, if it was as direct and easy as checking a box reading ‘Heaven’ or a box reading ‘Hell’, everyone would choose to go to Heaven. But nooo, God has to speak through an ancient Jewish rabbi and a bunch of wild-eyed freaks.

Page 23 ⇑ ⇓

Djur	Hey, look. If you buy Chick’s book, you get to become a totally decked-out Crusader with a big sword and everything. Being a Christian ROCKS!

Further Reading ⇑