1. John Schmitz: Never heard of him? He was a big California Republican during the 70s, a member of the John Birch society who thought Reagan and Nixon were liberals. He won a US House seat in 1970 trumpeting family values. “They like to be called gays,” he said. “I prefer to call them queers.” He described pro-choice supporters as “a sea of hard, Jewish and (arguably) female faces,” and made a career decrying America’s moral decrepitude. When George Wallace was shot and dropped out of the 1972 Presidential race Schmitz stepped in and ran as the candidate for the American Independent Party, garnering 1 million votes.

He had a picture-perfect family and a cheerleader daughter named Mary Kay he liked to call “Cake” who absolutely adored him. But all was not as it seemed to be. In 1982 a woman named Carla Stuckle was accused of child abuse and was forced to name the father of the child as a condition of his return — and she named her former professor, John Schmitz, who it turned out had another family on the side. Schmitz acknowledged that the boy was his, as well as the child’s older sister, but he said “I do not and will not support him financially. It is her responsibility to take care of him.” Conservative voters had slightly different standards in the 80s, I guess, because it ended Schmitz’ career. When Stuckle died the two children were taken in by psychic Jeanne Dixon, and when Dixon died in 1997 the children became wards of the state and went to an orphanage.

Young “Cake” was evidently devastated by the experience. Or so she claimed when she was on trial years later for statutory rape under her married name, Mary Kay LeTourneau.

2. Beverly Russell: Who could forget Newt Gingrich salivating over the Susan Smith tragedy? “I think that the mother killing the two children in South Carolina vividly reminds every American how sick the society is getting and how much we need to change things,” he said. “The only way you get change is to vote Republican.”

Of course, nobody in the ever-vigilant media asked Newt what he thought when it was later revealed that Smith had been molested as a young girl by her stepfather, Beverly Russell, a big Republican leader in South Carolina who was also a local organizer of Pat Robertson’s Christian Coalition that championed “family values” and “school prayer” as Republican virtues. Smith had attempted suicide twice, at 13 and 18, and at 15 had told authorities that her stepfather had been sexually molesting her. Russell admitted the molestation at the time to a social-service worker who investigated the allegations, but he agreed to seek counseling and the case against the prominent businessman was quickly closed by law enforcement.

At Smith’s trial Russell admitted to having sex with her two months before the murders. Newt and his “pro-family” forces went on to dismember the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act in the House. Because a man’s home, you know, is his castle.

3. Bob Barr: I guess it’s because of Bob Barr’s prominent role in the Clinton impeachment hearings that his story always galls the hell out of me. He is Mr. Family Values himself, responsible for drafting the Defense of Marriage Act banning gay marriage, who is himself twice-divorced and has failed to pay child support to the children of his first two wives. He was also photographed licking the whipped cream off of two strippers at his inaugural party. Which is probably what he was referring to when he said “The flames of hedonism, the flames of narcissism, the flames of self-centered morality are licking at the very foundation of our society, the family unit.” He just forgot to add “and a set of well-formed bazoombas.”

Barr has also risen to power as a screaming champion of the anti-abortion movement. He claimed in 1992 that he would do “everything in his power” to stop a family member from having an abortion — even if they had been raped. Any family member, that is, except his wife, who claims that in 1983 he supported her in her decision to have an abortion — even drove her to the clinic and paid for the procedure.

Republican anti-abortion activist Neal Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule.

Republican activist Matthew Glavin, who preached family values, was caught masturbating in public and fondling an undercover park ranger.

Republican Congressman and family values advocate Edward Schrock resigned from Congress after he was caught seeking sex on adult telephone lines for homosexuals.

Republican preacher Jimmy Swaggart preached fidelity, but cheated on his wife with a prostitute.

Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was charged with sexual misconduct involving a 15-year old girl.

Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a “good military man” and “church goer,” was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was charged with rape for allegedly paying a 15-year old girl for sex. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.