---

 

CommentatorsJessicaAndrew Page 1 ⇑ ⇓

	Jessica	The kid hasn't gotten any cuter. He's still desperately trying to expectorate his teeth.
	Andrew	Though he does pretty soon: see Panel 10.
	Jessica	I guess it's because he's still defiant.

 

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓

	Jessica	Gah, what is she wearing?
	Andrew	This kid doesn't know how this works. You don't handle it like this, you say, "mom, I want to go see Jimmy, dad already said it was ok!" then bank on mom being too lazy to actually check. Then when dad asks, tell him mom said it would be ok.
	Jessica	"Do you honestly expect me to have a say in the rearing of my children?!?! I have a vagina for god's sake!" "Thanks for that, mom."

 

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓

	Jessica	"Wow, Mom. When I grow up, can I order a woman around?"
	Andrew	"They don't need me anymore?" So what, this guy was just gonna hang around until things started to improve?
	Jessica	So he came just to fuck with their lives? Didn't he say he had business? Did we ever see him do any business? We did see him do some grocery shopping.
	Andrew	I guess the implication is that his business was to improve their family life. Which further implies he was sent by God... or something. There's war and genocide all over the world, but when a family of sub-humanoid troglodytes needs help- Mark is on the job!
	Jessica	All he does is lecture. He couldn't very well be trusted to handle something important, now could he? The Sub-Saharan AIDS epidemic won't go away just by earnestly reciting bible verses at it, no matter what the Vatican says!

 

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	Yeah, hot chili at lunch will sometimes give you that impression.
	Jessica	"You didn't tell me the Bible had word searches!" "Frank, that was the back of your placemat."

 

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	Now Frank is so holy his head glows like a lightbulb!
	Jessica	That's not Frank! His jowls disappeared! Does that make sense to anybody?
	Andrew	Don't worry, be happy!
	Jessica	He's wearing a white suit.

 

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	You know they make laxatives for that.
	Jessica	"My house... is CHANGING... SHAPE!!!"

 

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓

	Jessica	He likes it when she calls him Daddy.
	Andrew	Especially in the wee hours.
	Jessica	You know, as disturbing as it is Sandy kind of reminds me of this.

 

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	As opposed to all those guys from church.... Maybe the guys at school at least know how to use a condom.
	Jessica	He's one of those Real Christians™.
	Andrew	No, he's one of those fake-ass Christians. He's actually a deep-cover mole sent to discover the secrets of our communion.
	Jessica	You know the desecrated host is an essential component of the Black Mass!

 

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓

	Jessica	Although remember when Mark said "When he forbids you to go to church, tell him 'Yes, dear'"? I guess Frank didn't get the whole lesson. This is basically a prescription to keep their religion as insular as possible. "You want some of this sweet meat? Convert."

 

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	"You wanna know what happens when you smoke 50 pounds of marijuana.. at once? Behold my friend!"
	Jessica	"Bible study? Brad, you said we were gonna pick up some hookers! And where's that 50 pounds of hash you promised me?"
	Andrew	Brad's turned into a serious buzz-kill.
	Jessica	You can tell that later tonight these two are going to go up to his room and start docking.

 

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	Billy finally got a haircut.
	Jessica	I like the German peasant outfit he stuck his wife into. "Doe, a deer. A female deer." Plus, she has got some serious hips going on there. She balloons out at the waist like a picnic table umbrella. "He wants us in the mission field" ...it beats getting a job. Now we don't have to worry about housing- we'll live off the church's tit!"

 

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	Now Frank looks like a funeral director, with that black suit and stiff posture.
	Jessica	Mark's leaving so their gonna put him in a boat and give him a Viking funeral. When you take this panel in context with the last few, you realize that everyone except Brad slums around the house in their Sunday finest. I don't put on a business suit when I am sitting around watching television.

 

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	He says "prayer" singular, not "prayers." Or does he mean prayer in general? And who is "them"? The Millers?
	Jessica	"Thank you for sending Mark to us... and completely turning our life inside-out."

 

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	And now we have a superfluous coda.
	Jessica	Thank you for at least admitting to the passage of time.

 

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	Helen looks like she shaved 20 years off her age.
	Jessica	...and pounds. Apparently when you get saved, you contract that Benjamin Button disease.

 

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓

	Andrew	"And with that, Mrs Smith had a heart attack from the shock."
	Jessica	Jeez, they didn't do that shit in their own house. Also, looks like Sandy finally got her wish of becoming a blond.

 

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓

	Jessica	"Want us to keep doing nice things for you? Join our church! That's how this thing works."

 

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓

	Jessica	Her face is withering as we watch.
	Andrew	Again, she's how old, and she's never met any other Christians who attempted to meet the demands of the faith? I would have given up a long time ago.

 

Conclusion ⇑

Jessica	So what's the moral of this story?
Andrew	Unrealistically perfect characters can shame others into changing their ways? I mean, Mark's just a big Mary Sue. Again, in the real world someone this intrusive wouldn't be tolerated.
Jessica	"I didn't ask you for your opinion. No, seriously, shut the fuck up. We're well beyond being polite."

• ⚜ Vintage Page


• ← Back to Contents