Introduction ⇑ ⇓

Anna

My sources tell me that this tract is part of a series involving what can be described as a recurring “hero” character in the form of Bob Williams, whose sole existence seems to be to provide in-universe explanations of why he is correct and that we are all godless heathens unless we follow the fundamentalist interpretation and teachings of the Bible. Brings back pleasant memories of killing wayward heroes who tried to assail my abode in search of riches and glory. I wonder if this Bob Williams will put up a decent fight? With that said, I will also take this chance to introduce Matt, a fellow contributor who will be joining us in our dissection today. We hope that this will be a most enlightening experience for you. Ah, but where are my manners! I must apologize for keeping our newest subject waiting. *looks down at the tract on my table*. I do love to unwrap my presents, one layer at a time…

Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	I am hazarding a guess in saying this is intended to be a metaphorical depiction (caught in a web of lies and deceit), rather than a depiction of the person’s fate. How dull. On the topic of webs, I wonder how the spiders around my abode are faring. Aside from being some of my best friends, I do hope food has been plentiful for them. After all, I did tell them they could ensnare and feed on any uninvited guests who try to visit me…
Matt	Caught by Spider-Man, apparently.

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	Why would you go with Roger if you “didn’t feel right about it?” People never seem to pay enough attention to such warnings from their instincts.
Matt	Wow. Might as well have called this place Motel SLeEp-eAZY. “But Roger, this is my first ever human-angel-demon-dog gangbang!”
Boudreaux	How convenient that ‘Motel Delight’ is also pet friendly. Run, Fang, run!
Anna	I’m already sensing that Roger likes to tempt fate everytime he talks. And to Jessica (the woman Roger is with), if you actually intend to continue with your escapades, best to do some checks for hidden cameras. I wouldn’t be surprised if you find some, either from the motel itself or from Roger planting them there. He seems the type to do that.

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	I think she ought to be concerned about the sudden dramatic change in Roger’s face from the prior page to this page. And Roger, that smugness is going to come to bite you, especially if Chick’s universe works on the constant use of hypervelocity karma.
Matt	“Terrible!  This is the worst porno I’ve ever shot!  Who the hell would consider these two spank material?”
Boudreaux	Why does a supernatural being need a movie camera? What did they use before their invention?
Anna	As for the guy who exclaims “What a surprise!”, I'm beginning to think that you were tailing Roger the entire time and decided to run into him via “coincidence”.
Matt	This guy seems way too casual about catching Roger with another woman. “Hi, Roger, where’s Linda? I thought she was your side-piece.”

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	Considering your enthusiasm for explaining who Linda is, how she’s beautiful and her kids are great, I question your intention and motives. Do you perhaps have unrequited feelings for Linda? *my eyes glaze over suddenly, as I witness terrible events through the eyes of others who were betrayed by loved ones*
Matt	And he proceeds to casually tell her all about Roger’s personal life. “Nope, nothing at all questionable here.” Meanwhile, Nelson Muntz demon laughs with delight.
Boudreaux	You at least have to give Jessica credit for coming clean.
Matt	Apparently Linda can cry preemptively.
Anna	*My eyes turn back to normal* My apologies, readers. That hasn’t happened to me for a while. I have a feeling I’ll be speaking for those who have been hurt when it comes to matters of love and betrayal...

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	You do not get to play the ‘woe is me, life is unfair’ card - you were the perpetrator, not the victim regardless of your pathetic excuses. Be content that Linda simply left a note - much worse could and should have happened to you.
Matt	Oh, come on, Linda. Don’t you know AIDS is a gays-only disease? “PS, don’t go to sleep!”
Boudreaux	Here we see the Chick penchant for drawing his sinners as being unattractive.
Matt	Roger was an incel before it was cool.

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	*smirks* Finally we meet for the first time, Bob Williams. I am looking forward to seeing your heroism on display. By all means, draw your sword. As for this mysterious cousin of Roger, would it happen to be Craig from That Crazy Guy? It’d make sense - the both of you seem to have your brains below your waist. Which will make placing kill shots much easier and poetic.
Matt	Unfortunately, Henry meant to call Bob the Tomato. “Could you help me move a couch?”
Boudreaux	Exactly what emotion is Roger supposed to be demonstrating in that second panel? And he bears little resemblance to the previous page.

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	Whoa, Roger’s devolving right before our eyes!
Anna	Interesting indeed. The pair of them also certainly have the Black Eyes of Evil going. Consider me curious as to whether Bob is actually evil (Roger doesn’t surprise me). I also see that Roger continues to tempt fate…
Matt	“She asked if I voted for Trump!”

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	Everybody’s doing it! Come on, Mom… let me have an affair! Has anyone here ever used King David as a comparison?
Anna	If we were to use David as a comparison, this guy would fall short by a long margin. The only things in common they have is that they both cheated on their partners. Oh and they are both men, I suppose. But I’m being generous in calling them that.
Boudreaux	Here we see yet another Roger. I am going to say he has turned into a Romulan here. Too bad we can’t see the ears to check.

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	Shepherds are tasked with protecting the flock from threats such as predators. It would be normal for David to have fought and possibly killed animals to protect the flock via use of the shepherd's crook and other methods. As for him killing a lion and bear, considering that you say he had the Lord’s help in the story you are telling, you are basically admitting that he had plot armor.
Matt	He was so fierce, he could kill lions with his singing.
Boudreaux	I find myself skeptical about the whole army being terrified. A few men with spears would take care of Goliath quite nicely.
Matt	“Who has my glasses? Because I can’t see a frigging thing.”

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	I see that, like Bob and Roger from Page 7, the kid at the front (I’m assuming that’s David) got a case of the Black Eyes of Evil. While I’m almost positive that wasn’t the intention when Chick drew the tract, it is humorous to think that everything they do so far is fuelled by evil.
Matt	“This is madness!” “Madness? THIS…IS…ISRAEL!” David’s annoyed because he heard Goliath was actually a talking dog.
Boudreaux	Reminds me a bit of this video.

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	David’s expression while holding Goliath’s head seems like he can’t understand what they were afraid of. “Seriously? That’s what you were afraid of?” I would wager if you didn’t have plot armor, instant death bullets and divine intervention, you would not be pulling that face. Or any face for that matter…
Matt	Looks like David killed Goliath by distracting him with a stupid question.

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	David didn’t get out of bed until evening? Lazy.
Anna	A grammatical nitpick, but why does it say upon the roof of the King’s House when it’s his house? Isn’t he the King of Israel at this point? Or did he rent out this particular building from a different king?
Matt	So beautiful women are tools of the devil.
Anna	If I recall correctly, David had many wives and/or concubines at this point in his life, both before and after Bathsheba, as well as many children. But I guess David was thinking with his penis that day, which is even more idiotic when you have concubines that are willing to indulge you.

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	Yes, it’s not like she was a woman living in biblical times and he was the frigging king.
Anna	*sighs* David is fully aware that God exists and is omnipotent, had gotten help from said God to slay Goliath by way of several acts of divine intervention, has multiple wives and/or concubines, is the King of Israel and still decides to commit adultery, all because he thought with his penis and saw a woman bathing. How pathetic.
Matt	Boy, heaven and hell are just full of voyeurs.
Boudreaux	Looks like no angelic camcorder was required here, like it was in Macho!

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	*sighs deeply* And don’t forget that the verses are not clear as to whether she gave consent. So as per Leviticus, David’s punishment ought to be death. But I already know the outcome. He isn’t put to death. Pity. And on that subject, it's curious how you conveniently forget about this when you try and justify your hatred and contempt of non-believers.
Matt	“She said what? ‘I’m with child’? Well, what does that mean?”

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	Uriah was a thrifty man, making helmets out of bells.
Anna	I would be surprised as well if I was called away in the middle of a war and told by a high-ranking General/the King that I should immediately go home and spend the night with my partner. Followed by being very suspicious as to why.
Matt	Hey, didn’t people use to think a baby was made from all the men a woman had ever been with?

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	“Hey, I jusht realized that my wife’sh name hash ‘Bath’ in it. Ishn’t that weird?”
Anna	Being drunk to the stage where you are slurring your words, hiccuping and forgetting about your equipment (and how it works) tends to make you less effective in combat. I suspect it would also carry over if he actually went home and tried to be intimate with his partner as well.
Matt	And that’s what happens when you go into battle without your bell-helmet.

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	Nathan the prophet. Known to his friends as Nate.
Anna	I can say it also means you don’t really like your guest if rather than killing your own sheep to feed them, you go and steal a lamb from someone else just to feed it to your guest. Especially when you have plenty of them yourself.
Matt	Typical capitalists.

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	God did allow David to live. Doesn’t mean God didn’t get even though (by making Nathan’s other words come true). As for the child that died, they were effectively innocent (you are on record stating that because of the sins of Adam and Eve, we are all hellbound). Which means, according to you, the child goes to Hell, as they haven’t had the chance to accept Jesus as their Savior. That’s the mark of kindness right? Punish the children due to the actions of the parents? I’ll remember that the next time someone causes me problems.
Matt	“Objection!” Recorded where? In that big computer the Vatican supposedly has?

Page 19 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	*sigh* As we will see in the next page, Roger being told about a very basic concept of Christianity is apparently enough for him to get fed up with being guilt tripped and condemned. As opposed to the entire story about how David, the King of Israel committed adultery, despite his many concubines.

Page 20 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	Normally, the antagonists in Chick Tracts have a point, but this guy really did cheat on his wife, so…
Anna	Roger seems to be the non-believer stand-in with the pitch from Chick being that people who don’t believe in Jesus are never remorseful for their actions. Roger is a caricature of a human, and is exaggerated for the purposes of pushing the narrative - most people would be remorseful, especially after being the one who cheated on their partner. After all, with how often Roger tempts fate in-universe, you know he’s going to wind up dying out of the blue. Careful with that Matthew reference. Considering how often you attempt to pass judgment on others via these tracts of yours, I’d argue you should be condemned by your words as well.

Page 21 ⇑ ⇓

Anna	Eight weeks? Even the basic Amazon Death has a better delivery time.
Matt	What, Roger doesn’t even get a “Hi, there?”
Boudreaux	Roger should have stayed away from the salmon mousse.

Page 22 ⇑ ⇓

Matt	Is Bob saying adultery is wrong because it’s a scummy thing to do or because God will punish us for it?
Anna	Bob and his ilk (think it’s fundamentalist evangelicals/Independent Baptists if I recall correctly) tend to favor fear of punishment via the metaphysical and intangible parent figure rather than it being a despicable and reprehensible thing of its own merit. Case in point, how they seem to judge and hate everyone that doesn’t go by their interpretations of the Bible, despite it not being their place to do so.

Conclusion ⇑ ⇓

Boudreaux	So we are led to believe that Roger specifically asked for an evangelical Christian to talk about his sin, yet rejected everything he said. What did he invite him over in the first place? And we also see in action Chick’s endorsement of Sola Fide, by faith alone. Forget about making things as right as you can, all that matter is is that you say some magic words and you get to go into heaven.
Anna	I look forward to our next fight, Bob Williams. Pity this one was much too short. As for the story itself, it’s a simplified version of the story of David with significant edits to push the standard Chick narrative that only faith in Jesus is sufficient. Indeed, Roger’s punishment seems to be less that he cheated on his partner, and more that he refused to accept Christ. Which serves no purpose other than to potentially instill a mindset that you can do whatever you want, as long as you repent and accept Christ just before you die. Which is problematic in of itself and one of the major issues with Sola Fide as a concept. With that said, I must prepare for my journey to visit Arachne. It has been much too long since we last spoke. May the roads you travel upon be kind to you and fare thee well, dear readers.

Further Reading ⇑ ⇓

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