Introduction ⇑ ⇓

Slick146

So, this is it! Dark Dungeons! The most famous of Chick Tracts, and the only one to be made into a movie! So, let's get started!

Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Normally, I don't post the cover, but this is easily the best part of the tract. A red moon behind a lonely castle, with a figure in a white sheet with red eyes staring at you. It's eerie. Too bad it doesn't really factor into the tract itself. It's pointless.

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Hey, that wizard is meta gaming! Kick her from the group!

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	.....there is so much wrong here. Let us count the ways. 1. You name's their thief Black Leaf? It sounds like a basic Mary Sue character. 2. Marcie is taking this way too badly. The only person I know of who might take their D&D character this seriously is Vin Diesel. 3. Wow, rude much? Telling someone they don't exist to their face is uncalled for. 4. The DM probably pulled that out her ass. We've all heard of one GM who pulls stuff out their ass for whatever self serving reason.

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	You want real power, Debbie? EMBRACE THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE, AND RECEIVE UNLIMITED POWAH! Wait, what personality does Debbie have? All I've seen is that she's a complete brat to her fellow roleplayer. Oh, that makes sense.

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	D&D? I thought they were playing Dark Dungeons. I don't play myself, so if any D&D players are reading this, how much of the occult is involved in D&D? I'm going to make a wild guess and say none. So, now she's using her RP character's name for her initiation into the priesthood of Satan? By this point, any rational person would be pinching themselves. But then again, Debbie doesn't seem the rational type. Temple of Diana? The Roman goddess of the hunt and the moon? I thought they worshipped the Devil, not Roman gods. If they do worship Roman gods, then they shouldn't be dressed as druids. Druids were deemed anti-Roman and suppressed. Is this supposed to be some way to drawn a connection between Satanism, Druidism, and Roman religion? It's impossible to make sense of this is what I'm saying.

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Ah, kids! They grow up so fast! One moment, they're playing Dark Dungeons, the next,

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	They're twisting their face into that of some demented lunatic and using a mind control spell to put you in bondage if you get in the way of their roleplay like a reasonable parent

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	And not forcing you into disgusting sex dungeons. No, they make you squander your money on cheap ass figures and manuals.

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Because nothing is more important then fighting a fictional zombie while also learning how to use mind bondage spells to make people do things against their will in what can be considered mind rape. Sure, Marcie will be fine....

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	No prizes for guessing Marcie won't be in a talking mood. Her throat may soon hurt....

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	...........*Gets up from computer, leaves room and slams door behind myself. The sound of stuff breaking can be heard. Slick comes back in carrying a five iron.* NOPE! NOPE! NOPE, NOPE, NOPETY NO! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DEMENTED LOGIC IS THIS? YOUR D&D CHARACTER DIES SO YOU KILL YOURSELF! HOLY SHIT, THE CHAIR IS STILL MOVING! MARCIE MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE! DEBBIE COULD SAVE HER FRIEND RIGHT NOW! IT ISN'T HOPELESS! BUT SHE'S JUST STANDING THERE, JUST....IN SHOCK! DOESN'T EVEN TELL MARCIE'S MOM! SHE IS WATCHING MARCIE KILL HERSELF! IN A NOOSE! A FUCKING NOOSE! TIME TO PUSH THE BUTTON! Instant No Button! Star Wars funnies FTW! ......Okay, now I'm calm. Oh look, Marcie left a suicide note.

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	"Wait, this is Ms. Frost's hand writing!"

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	"I can't believe what a stupid, mean old jerkass I've been! Hopefully, no one else will ever take a game this seriously again!" "Debbie, South Korea and StarCraft beg to differ. Now stop whining about the friend who slowly and pointlessly died right in front of you!"

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Your faith has a law against harming others? Violating your father's free will is harming someone else! Debbie, you got yourself into a little something called..... Witchcraft! It's really obvious, you bitch! It's witchcraft! With the robes and pentagrams and Temple to a Roman god which has nothing to do with witchcraft!

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Oh look, the witch has shown her true colours now. Sure, the fact she dressed in black, had black hair, was involved in witchcraft, was named Ms Frost and was a cheating GM wasn't a complete tip off. Never would have guessed it. Debbie, let me whisper into your ear what we all want you to do. GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Oh, here we go. Debbie's sobbing, like we couldn't tell, and Mike is here to tell her she needs Jesus. Where was he earlier? Seriously, is he only intervening now, and not when he could have saved Marcie? I just realised something. How do we know Marcie wasn't delusional? Wait, Mike, Debbie? This is giving me some flashbacks to MST3K.....

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Mike said: "It's a spiritual warfare that you can't win without the Lord Jesus." Another heavy dose of "You need Jesus!" But this time, it's given to us by Mike, a good christian jock who totally isn't trying to get in her pants. So, we got a dude who just came out of witchcraft now? Love to hear his story.

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Speaker said: "But you have been trapped in a dungeon of bondage." Ah, gross! Seriously, did he have to go there? This is bad enough without Christian Grey getting involved. Although, he does resemble a certain someone. I think....did the Master from Manos, Hands of Fate convert? I swear, if Jesus is mentioned in one more Chick Tract, I shall move the speaker closer to him.

Page 19 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	What he's thinking: Oh Manos, thou God of primal darkness, I shall offer you the damsel as your virgin bride.....

Page 20 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	I get this is supposed to show Debbie is now a good Christian, but her clothes are rather revealing, don't you think? Before, she was wearing something which covered her arms and neck, making her look like your average school kid. Now? Well, see for yourself. Holy shit, is that D. B. Cooper behind Debbie? It is! Guys, we've finally found D. B. Cooper! The woman next to him seems to have dozed off. Wonder why?

Page 21 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Please, please, please, please don't do that. I refer to this exorcism. This guys just came out of witchcraft, so how in the world his he qualified to be an exorcist? Do you know how common exorcism is? Not very common! The Catholic Church only recognizes demonic possession according to some important circumstances. They have a checklist for this kind of thing, and trained professionals! This speaker shouldn't be doing this, a professional with actual experience should. And what evidence was thee she had spirits harassing her? She played D&D? No crawling on the walls, no vomiting buckets of pus and green sick, no turning the head a full 180 degrees?

Page 22 ⇑ ⇓

Slick146	Burn, baby, burn! Burn, baby, burn! Now, the Master shall claim Debbie as his bride!

Conclusion ⇑ ⇓

Slick146

Okay, I'm going to be real here. That isn't how you get saved by God! You don't sign a pamphlet to get to Heaven! The Catholic Church outright banned that practice for a reason! A very important one! You can't sign a pamphlet to get to Heaven, you have to actually follow Jesus's teachings! You have to believe it and do it with all your heart! Words are empty if you don't act upon them! At the least, I can safely say the Master got himself a new wife. Wonder if he's burning Torgo....

Further Reading ⇑ ⇓

Other Reviews & Commentaries ⇑ ⇓

Parodies ⇑