Normally, I'd call the following tract a giant flagrant steaming strawman, but seeing as how every position Jack espouses sincerely sounds just as stupid, (and the fact that this tract made me laugh my ass off) I'm willing to cut it some slack.

Let's tick off all the major categories, shall we?

• "Where did we come from?" is a very vague question, and I really don't see how describing abiogenesis is an answer you'd give to your kid.


• What kid, in response to his mother saying we came from goo would reply with "How exciting"? I guess this is another one of Jack's child-creatures that are simultaneously stupidly naive and irredeemably malicious (you'll see).


• Science doesn't "know" anything, nor does anyone claim it does. It's an abstract concept, you dumbass.


• That kid just referred to science as "They".


• Why, upon hearing that "science" knows something that he does not, does this kid proclaim that it knows everything?


• I'm pretty sure you can look up the major theories on the origins of primordial compounds online. This tract was written in 2008 after all. However, considering Jack's typical level of external contact, it's quite possible that he missed the Internet in it's entirety.

"We must always believe what the Bible* says...

Others claim to know, but the Bible is what guides us."

*King James version only, of course.

And so, the weird not-child wraps up this fantastical story with an "Outstanding!" like absolutely no human kid would. Jack may have unwittingly put in a hint that evolution is real after all!

So anyway, was that dog in the picture her teacher? If that's what Jack meant by it, then this may be the single most subtle thing he's put in one of his tracts ever. I doubt it, though. And now we have Jack trying to paint evolution as something taken entirely on faith, rather than, you know, having mountains of evidence for it.

And no, no, NO, NATURAL SELECTION DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! Right Morbo?

This, I fear, is as close and Jack will ever really get to subtlety. And as for that second panel... who knows, maybe Jack realizes that anyone who takes these things seriously is a drooling moron that needs to be so severely patronized.

I mean, holy shit, dude, you can't even get Nazis right. I'm fairly certain that they did not, in fact, kill babies for being too small, and that brown eyes did not alone qualify one for extermination. And I suppose we'll just have to take Jack's word that the one on the right is of a different color, because he looks the exact same shade as the others.

I'd question why this kid automatically thinks blonde hair and blue eyes are better, but I already know what the answer is. These tracts are stupid, and so is everyone in them.

There's bullshit, and then there's... this.

And now Jack further demonstrates that he thinks his audience are gibbering idiots. He actually tells us, outright TELLS us that what the bad guy is saying is a lie! And he doesn't think that we know what relative means? Oh yeah, and the devil standing next to him is for those of us who might have missed the undertones that what he's saying is bad.

So, yeah, just like the last tract, this kid has gone insane over basically nothing. Maybe Jack is projecting.

And here we see one of Jack Chick's many "good" children, who all come off as far, far more off-putting than any of his villains. Even the devil finds this girl unsettling. And this is one of Jack's milder versions.

I can only wonder, though, why this kid is humoring her? Why doesn't he just kill her like he said he could do? Or tell her to fuck off at least? Is he that worried about rejecting her now, despite his newfound insanity?

"What a bummer."

"And then he flooded the entire planet killing every last man, woman, and child!"

"What a bummer."

"Then he sent his only son to Earth for the sole purpose of dying!"

"What a bummer."

And now we're up to six.

WE KNOW, JACK.

Jesus, who's that?: 7

"I am a vengeful god, so I'll... wag my finger at you!"

🤯

And yes, this is Chickyland, where evil public schools have banned Jesus, whatever the hell that means. Is Jesus himself simply not allowed on the premises?

Tyler: No! I must fight the religion!

Grim Reaper: No Tyler, YOU are the religion.

And then Tyler was a zombie.