Introduction ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip

Alright guys, since the vote doesn't seem too conclusive in any direction, I think I'll stick with more light-hearted fare than Lisa. Dark Dungeons it is! I'm sure many of you recall the craze in the 80's when everyone was afraid that Dungeons and Dragons was turning our youth to satanism. Those who don't, I urge you to at least seek out Spoony's review of Mazes and Monsters, an utterly incompetent reactionary movie which tried to expose the "dangers" of D&D roleplaying. With something this stupid going on, it was only a matter of time before Jack Chick got in on the action. Everyone's favorite form of basement fungus decided that he too would add D&D to his list of Things That Are Evil, just below Catholics, and right above Evil Things (Jack is sort of a moron, you see.) And so, Jack began his 21 panel crusade to end D&D gaming once and for all, and let history decide the victor. It wasn't Jack. I must note, though, that I have never played D&D, and as such have only a passing familiarity with it, so I hope I may be forgiven for any minor errors that may occur, at least when compared to this tract. For those of you unfamiliar with the tract Dark Dungeons (as I've heard it's rather popular around the interwebs) just imagine ten times the bullshit of Mazes and Monsters compressed into a tiny pamphlet. You won't have to imagine long, though, because here it is:

Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Alright, so here's our cover. It consists of a castle, a man with a sheet over his head, some fog, and a red moon. And no, none of these things appear in the story. I'm serious, they aren't even mentioned or referenced at all. I think the best explanation is that Jack was in such a hurry to jump on the bandwagon that he dropped whatever tract he was working on at the time, and decided to slap on this vestigial cover for being 'close enough'. "Hey, castles have dungeons in them, right?"

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	The artwork in this tract is a considerable step up from Chick's previous work, but as you'll see a few panels down, it too has some serious issues. At least it doesn't hurt to look at. However, like most Chick Tracts, it is here that we get our first signs that Jack has no fucking idea what he's talking about. First of all, out of seven players, four of them are girls. What girl in the 80's would be caught dead playing D&D? I don't mean to generalize, but this just isn't normal. Also, did that girl actually name her character "Wizard"? Well, that's a name I can see Jack coming up with.

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Doesn't she get some sort of saving roll? Oh whatever, It's Jack's made up "Dark Dungeons" anyway. What makes less sense is why they kick her out for losing her character. You normally just start a new one, yes? This is the harshest gaming circle I've ever heard of. Well, I guess anyone who reacts like that to dying in a game isn't someone you want to associate with anyway. So, par the course for a chick tract, everyone is acting like an idiot.

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Oh, boy, here we go. This has to be one of Jack's quickest descents into insanity so far. A mere three panels in, and you've already managed to overshadow your Vatican conspiracies, Jack. So, she got a character to level 8, and now she gets to learn magic. But what if she was playing a fighter character? Would she get to go kill people with a sword? What if your character is lawful good? And why does having a level 8 character make you have the "right personality"? Does your player character even have anything to do with it, and if not, how does D&D prepare anyone for anything? Gah... so... much... sense... not... making... POP!

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Okay, so if you managed to reassemble your skull after that last panel, we get to see just how seriously these D&D players take their shit. What makes this even more batshit insane is that Jack hasn't shown us even a little how D&D has "prepared" Debbie for the occult. I guess he just expects us to take his word for it. D&D is bad, m'kay. Also, for all their dress-up, they don't have much of a ceremony for new recruits, do they? "We've brought her to become a witch." "Welcome, you are now a witch."

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Yeah, if you were holding on to the hope that it was just some crazy cult that thinks it can cast spells, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Jack Chick actually thinks D&D cultists can do magic. Isn't that just lovely? But, like the lady says, there is soooo much more.

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT!?!? Wow, there definitely is something demonic going on here, I think she may have been possessed by the deceased spirit of Sloth. So, anyway, this girl is now controlling her father's mind. I guess this tract is aimed at parents with the message of "Stop your kids before it's too late!", and this is some sort of attempt of throwing a little extra fear into the mix. I'm sure that Jack thinks he's the master of subtlety.

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	"And your children will make you spend all of your money, too! OOoooOOooo!!!" You may have noticed that this tract has dropped the whole "Dark Dungeons" act and is now outright calling it D&D. Maybe they're calling it Dark and Dungeons now? No, that would be stupid, it would have no place in a chick tract!

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Ah, yes, as we all know, fighting "The Zombie" can be a very engrossing and time consuming task, especially for a level 8 character. Also, BITCH YOU CAN CAST REAL SPELLS NOW. WHY ARE YOU STILL WASTING YOUR TIME ON THIS GAME?

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	So... is she not allowed to make a new character? Or did she just refuse to? And did nobody ever attempt a Raise Dead or something? Good thing Debbie got her normal face back, though. So, let's see what's wrong with Marcie, shall we?

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Nooooooo!!! Well, maybe she just learned the occult levitation spell?

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	After all this, I have to give Jack Chick props for one of the funniest suicides I've ever seen.

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Uh, how would she be alive? Her oh-so-precious character is still dead, and lord knows no one can recover from a blow like that. Also, what spiritual growth? I thought they were just in it for the magic. And I guess it's the game, and not the cult that empowers them, or something. "Lousy Losers" would be a pretty cool band name, though.

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Oh, man, shit just got real. It's not like she was just barely using magic and going to a cult with a giant pentagram on the floor. No now things are serious! Also, what the hell kind of "faith" is this, anyway? Satanist? Pagan? Druid? Come on Jack, all you had to do was pick something at random off the Things That Are Evil list, and you would have had something concrete!

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	LOOK OUT! The Sloth spirit is jumping between bodies! I think this artist just has issues with drawing anger or malice without making them look like they were dropped as a child. Oh, and apparently their Player Character is a separate personality now. I guess.

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Well, at least we know that this guy whom we haven't seen before but apparently knows Debbie very well cares. Jack may have meant to put him in earlier as the voice of "reason", but I don't think anyone can truly interpret Jack Chick's thought processes with any degree of accuracy.

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	But... she already broke off with the gaming group! Why is it now "spiritual warfare"? Ah, well, I guess White Guy always knows what's best. Makes you wonder why he couldn't tell her right there that all she has to do is say "I accept Jesus", though. That's all it ever really boils down to.

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	So, it seems like everyone knows that The Occult gives you magical power in Chickland. You'd think it would be more mainstream were this the case. Hell, people would be tripping over each other to join, normally. I guess that's the power of Jesus, for you.

Page 19 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Now we get our obligatory bible citation. But doesn't Tom Selleck know that this tract isn't about Rock and Roll? Save it for Angels, man! I like to think that this guy is actually an undercover plant for the Occult, and the book bonfire will be a mass offering to the Occult god. It could happen, who knows how this crazy religion works?

Page 20 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Um, what exactly do you need help with? Unless your dad actually remembers that whole "mind control" incident, then I can see you having some issues.

Page 21 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	Wait, why is there a warning in this panel, but Chick won't tell us what it is? We have to read the bible for it? But what if we've never heard of the bible, like Chick thinks is the case for 90% of the planet? Also, any regular D&D players here, I'd like to know the guidelines of how to live your lives that your D&D manuals apparently lay out in very specific detail. That is, if this is allowed by the tenets of your faith. I'm genuinely interested.

Page 22 ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip	And as soon as Debbie turned her back, Father Tom Selleck discreetly threw a ram into the fire. This tract sure is vague about what exactly she's "free" from, though. Does playing D&D actually put evil spirits into your body? Again, D&D players, I want some answers.

Conclusion ⇑ ⇓

FreudianSlip

Well, for the many of you that I'm sure were converted by this tract, here's how to spread the faith, and prevent the insidious cancer that is D&D from taking hold of your hearts. Now roll 2D6 for salvation!

Further Reading ⇑ ⇓

Other Reviews & Commentaries ⇑ ⇓

Parodies ⇑