Chester thought he didn’t need God. But when the ship began to sink, he learned how wrong he was.

No he doesn’t. Chester never realizes that he needed God until after he croaked. False advertising, Jack.

You can probably already tell from the title, but this week is a Guest Dissection submitted by reader DaAICh. As always, my text blocks will be prefaced with J:.

This is actually one with Fred Carter’s artwork, by the way. He’s better in some ways, but even more horrible in others. At times, his artwork is closer to reality, but in some weird, creepy, wooden way that makes it all seem even stiffer and less real than Jack’s work.

And why the weird emphasis on “want”? It totally throws off the focus of the sentence, making it seem like the sentiment of wanting is going to be swapped out with something more preferable. “I don’t want to hear any more — I need to hear any more.”

Yeah, the whole “GOD HIMSELF” thing is pretty lame, but that’s Chick for ya.

Okay, in the first two panels, Chester looks like he’s in his thirties, then in the left panel he looks as though he’s in his twenties, and now in the right panel he’s a teenager. Again, Continuity is your friend Chick.

I actually misread all of this the first time and thought she said “Is monkey all you can think of, Chester?”

Take away the sunglasses, and the guy in the chair on the left looks a little like a shrunken-down M. Bison.

I don’t get it. That fat guy has two different speech bubbles, even though both of those speech bubbles come BEFORE Chester’s. Perhaps the chair is offering dinner to Chester? In the Chick-universe, anything is possible.

Someone has “Aunt Sophie Issues”, if you know what I mean.

“This week on ‘That Old Hen’…”

You’re right, though: Every non-Christian is either totally oblivious about everything or else filled to overflowing with an irrational and complete hatred for all things Jesus. It’s pretty terrible storytelling.

“What’s this? Why would someone send me Morse Code for the number eight, three equal signs, a capital ‘D’ and two tildes? I don’t underst — heyyyyyy, wait a second!”

You know, with only a couple extra lines, you could easily turn that device mounted to the wall back there into one of those really cute cat clocks with the moving eyes and the wagging tail.

His future’s so bright, he’d better go back and grab those shades off that M. Bison lookalike who was sitting on the deck earlier.

“I am literally shitting myself right here in the hall, sir, as evidenced by my unnatural and rigid semi-squatting posture.”

“Pleasure me, Chester. I MEAN… my chest pleasure. OH GOD, I MEAN… my pleasure, Chester.”

“Mmf. Yeah, connections. That’s great, dear. Mm-hmm, money, yeah. Yes, that’s all very nice dear. Yes that’s WILL YOU FUCKING SHUT THE MOTHERCHRIST UP ALREADY YOU SHIT-HEAVING WINDBAG I’VE BEEN TRYING TO SLEEP FOR THE LAST FUCKING HOUR MY GOD GIVE IT A REST.”

Must be really cold out for the lookout to be shaking like that. Or maybe that’s just his Spider Sense. Fat lot of good THAT did him.

I like that the damage here appears to have been done very clearly above where the ship meets the water, and from the looks of it on the opposite side of the ship that the iceberg was on in earlier panels.

Why in God’s name would the Captain turn OFF the pumps? The pumps were the only thing keeping boiler room 5 from flooding during the first hour of the sinking! Historical Inaccuracy Number 6!

“No, sir, it’s ripped us like a tin of nuts.” “Well, tell the… Wait a second, ‘a tin of nuts’?” “Yeah. You know, those cans that nuts come in.” “I wasn’t aware that you ripped them open. It seems like it would be a particularly difficult task. I would think one would use some kind of can opener or something.” “Well, admittedly, it was a bit of a forced analogy.” “Right, but it’s… actually, come to think of it, all the nuts I’ve ever purchased have come in either sacks or jars. What the hell were you even talking about?”

“I don’t know if this is going to help any, but tell them all I said ‘ho ho ho’.”

He’s panicked in the first panel, yelling his head of and banging like crazy on the door, and then when they finally open the door, he’s calm.

The man with the megaphone is all, “Who’s in a bunker? Who’s in a bunker? Women and children first, and the children first, and the children. We’re not scaremongering, this is really happening. Happening. We’re not scaremongering. Take the money, run. Women and children first, and the children first. Here I’m allowed everything, all of the time.”

You know, it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s going on in the second panel if you can’t zoom in on it. Goddamn it.

Chester looks like he’s about fifty now, by the way. I know we haven’t been keeping track, but the last few panels have not been kind to him.

“Just when I had it made! I mean, I was just traveling in one of the most expensive rooms on one of the most expensive ships, and I could afford it, and I was able to hang around with extraordinarily wealthy people without them looking at me like I was some shit-stained peasant, but now I REALLY had it made: I almost had somewhat more money than I already had!”

I don’t get it. If Chester’s Wife (We still don’t know her name) believed in God. Why did she even marry Chester in the first place, who hated God? Is that her stretching in the lifeboat there, too? If I were her, I wouldn’t have had my arms so far away from my body, it was 28 degrees outside. A little to cold to “reach for the stars.”

After the ship sank, the Giant Black Bunny came in its Pyramid of White Dust to devour the souls of all who died. It was visible on the horizon for miles, and we could hear its munching noises long into the morning.

I’ve noticed Heaven works like the DMV in these Tracts. “I’m sorry, but you still need to pay your fine, NEXT!”

This was one of the rarer ones in that it doesn’t have a 3:16 anywhere in it. Usually Jack tries to shoehorn that in one way or another, but in a very small number of Tracts, it’s mysteriously absent.

Sorry for the immense delay between recent Dissections. I’m still working on that novel. The good news, though, is that I’ve made a pretty substantial amount of progress, and I’ll probably release the first few chapters or first thirty pages or whatever on the website here within the next couple weeks.

Until next time, tell your friends. And your mom. Especially your mom.