Archived DissectionOriginally published at Enter the Jabberwock. May 31st, 2005. Birds and the Bees Tract #178. Art by Fred Carter - © 2004 Chick Publications
Originally published at Enter the Jabberwock
May 31, 2005
Birds and the Bees - Tract #178 (BATB)
Art by Fred Carter - © 2004 Chick Publications
At a very young age, schoolchildren are being told that homosexuality is okay. Here is God's view, carefully written for young readers.
Introduction ⇑ ⇓
 Jabberwock |
Just… utterly revolting. No wonder Jack Chick hates gay people–he has absolutely no idea what they’re really like. And if he thinks tolerance is being pushed in schools, when kids like that little six- or seven-year-old in Louisiana are sent home from school for saying the word “lesbian” when describing why he has two moms, he’s even more… erm, well, we’ve already established how out of touch with reality he is, and how enormous an idiot, so… right. Bah. Fucking hate-mongering, appalling bullshit. What would Jesus do? Certainly not this. |
Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Careful, everyone–this one’s like Jedi Lightning.
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Page 2 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
What the hell is she wearing? Is she on shore leave or something? These kids are extremely easily impressed. Who says “Oh, wow!” before they even see what the surprise is? For all they know, it could be the Spanish Inquisition. That’s always a surprise, because nobody ever expects it. Aww, the guy on the right brought his cat. And the guy on the left brought his… uh… breathing apparatus of some sort? Man, these people are hideous. I’ll explain why later. |
Page 3 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
…oops!, wife? Erm, nope. Not buying this, Jack. Fuck, you can’t even get the terminology right. “Wife?” “Wife?” I’d say “partner” or “husband” is far more likely. He’d probably only call him his “wife” if he was a heterosexual who was somehow bamboozled into thinking he’s been having sex with a very masculine woman named Charles who just happens, for whatever reason, to have a penis. Aww, lookit the widdle demons. Those are probably the cutest things Chick’s ever drawn. They sure beat his disproportionate, bug-eyed, repulsive monster children. |
Page 4 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Gah, her face is melting. What is that? You know, I’ve never heard of a teacher just randomly springing a “surprise” gay couple on a class for no real reason. I did a pretty thorough Google search, even, and couldn’t turn anything up at all. I’m willing to bet, in fact, that if I had a LexisNexis account, I wouldn’t find anything there, either. Want to know why? Because it’s fucking stupid, and we don’t hire people with sub-50 IQs to teach in public classrooms. It’s almost like: “Okay, kids–we have a surprise today! Here’s a heterosexual couple. Yep. They have sex with each other on a regular basis. Figured I’d… uh… bring ‘em in here. Just wanted to show you. No real reason.” Nobody. Acts. Like. This. By the way, Genesis 2:24 says: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.Nothing about “no fags” there. And as far as Leviticus is concerned, let’s make sure to kill everyone who has ever gotten a divorce for reasons other than unfaithfulness, then, as well. Oh, and God hates shrimp, apparently, too. God forbid you eat shellfish, because, well, God forbade you eat shellfish. Let’s not forget that there are large portions of rules in many religions, Christianity especially, that existed at the time, thousands of years ago, for the sole purpose of maintaining hygeine and health. Guess what Leviticus also says? I can own SLAVES! Well, as long as they’re bought from a neighboring country. So watch out, Canada! Oh, and how could I forget the ever-important Lev. 19:27, thou shalt not shave. ALL OF THE CHARACTERS DEPICTED IN YOUR TRACTS ARE HAIR-TRIMMED ABOMINATIONS! Oh, and I could go on for hours about the semantics of Romans 1:26-27. But instead, I’ll just link to THIS. |
Page 5 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Oh, like she’s never seen Queer Eye? Jack tries for innocent, cute and endearing, but he ends up with simple-minded, chipmunk-like and obnoxiously saccharine. |
Page 6 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Wait, so believing something is wrong makes it totally cool for you to use (apparently) offensive terminology? “Well, my dad said being gay is wrong, so it’s okay if I call them ‘pillow-biting, buttfucking faggots’, right?” Nobody acts like this. Seriously. Find me a gay person who sincerely believes a homophobe should be put in an insane asylum, Jack, and I’ll give you a… well, I’ll give you an especially skeptical look. You know, despite what you might think, what you believe is usually not somehow inversely reciprocated. Just because you think gays should be put in an asylum doesn’t mean gays and people okay with homosexuality think homophobes should be. |
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| Jabberwock |
You know, Jack, there’s a perfectly good actual definition of the word “intolerant” available. We don’t need your annotated Pseudo-Definitions For Children. Here’s what Merriam-Webster says:
Main Entry: in·tol·er·antBeing intolerant of blacks, for instance, doesn’t mean you “don’t support” them. Yeah, brainwash some more innocent children into thinking being “intolerant” is somehow okay, and that the word itself is just a silly bit of tripe. Why do you hate America? 🎵 Darling, I don’t know why I go to extremes. / Too high or too low, there ain’t no in-betweens. Huh, how’d that get stuck in my head suddenly? Yes, gay people want to put everyone in prison. Oh, right–the disgusting appearances thing I mentioned earlier. Look at this guy. I’ve discussed this in earlier Dissections, but here’s one of Jack’s little illustration tricks: Because his arguments are so weak, he resorts to depicting characters on the other side of his arguments as hideous or even just subtly visually unappealing. I mean, yeah, there is his general lack of talent, but it doesn’t fully account for the phenomenon illustrated by his, well, illustrations. Go through any of his tracts, and you’ll see this classic cartoon-stlye “villains = ugly” pattern. For some reason, I want to play Dr. Mario. I’m really not sure why. |
Page 8 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Ah, hell. I sense a load of “You can’t even think about God in school”-scented bullshit about to drop. Is that someone else’s hand over that kid’s mouth, or does he just have a dislocated arm? Stupid is as stupid draws. |
Page 9 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Blah, blah, blah, filler panel. Wait, “Gay”? With a capital “G”*? Why? When did “gay” become a proper noun, other than as a surname or the name of a town? And, yes, the Bible has all the answers for everything, especially when referenced from within the memory of an eight-year-old. *And that rhymes with “P”, and that stands for “Pool”. |
Page 10 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
I don’t recall Jesus saying anything about homosexuality in the Bible. I DARE you–go ahead and find ONE THING that Jesus said about gays. ONE THING. And we’ve already covered some of the specific references to non-Gospel passages in the Bible a few panels ago, so go ahead–try that route again if you want to experience the sensations of what a swift punch to the throat feels like. Another activity for you: Prove, without reference to the Bible itself or using mindless tautology, that “the Bible is true“. “The Bible shows us what’s right and wrong. Here are some examples: Right - owning other human beings as slaves; burning animals in sacrifice; staying in an abusive marriage instead of getting a divorce. Wrong - eating shellfish; working on the Sabbath; planting two different crops in the same field; being at all effeminate, or treating a man as one would a woman (which is kind of ambiguous, but whatever, let’s just say it’s about the fags).” Yeah, I want my kids learning those values. You know what else they did years ago, little girl? Burned witches. Oh, and there were state religions in many European countries, and anyone who didn’t subscribe was in danger of severe, sometimes fatal, punishment. Romans fed many Christians to lions, because of religion. And many people were tortured to death because they didn’t believe in Christianity. Yes, let’s go back to THOSE times, you sniveling little shit. |
Page 11 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Whenever the fuck did this ever happen? No, no, no. It’s absolutely fine, as it well should bloody be, for you to bring a Bible to school, and pray, and talk about Jesus. It’s not okay for teachers in a public institution to proselytize to children. You PROVE to me, Jack–again without tautologies or reference to the Bible itself–that the Bible should become the school-taught religious system and not, say, the Quran, or beliefs of the Hopi tribe, or the writings of the Sumerians, or Celtic beliefs, or whatever. Go ahead and try. While you’re at it, I’ll be over here drafting up some legislation to try to make sure you have to discuss alternative perspectives in your church sermons. Don’t think there should be separation of church and state? Fine. But it can just as easily work from the government to the churches as it can the other way around. Instead of the church telling the government what to do, I want the government to tell the churches what to do. How do you feel about that? And yes, yes, there’s this just, like, MASSIVE conspiracy of public school teachers to get little kids to burn forever. Right. Want to know why nobody’s told you about it, you gaping, dumb little twit? Because you go to school to learn how to think, not how to believe. Scientific theory and religious theory are two very different concepts. The former relies on repeatedly testing observable phenomenon to the point of almost ridiculous redundancy, whereas the latter relies on “it was written down by someone at some point, and then called ‘The Word of God’”. You know, why even fucking go to school at all if you’re just going to believe in everything? Why learn anything at all if you can just chalk it all up to “God said so”? Want to learn about God instead of reality? Don’t go to school, and just write in “because God” for every explanation to everything that ever happens. But don’t expect to be taken seriously, then, either. |
Page 12 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Okay, so what if none of these kids EVER told a lie? What then, huh, Susy? Huh? I’ll bet you could switch the head of the girl on the right onto one of Chick’s adult female bodies and nobody would really be able to tell the difference. The black girl in the second panel isn’t so much surprised or desperately curious as she is terrified by the girl on the left’s HUGE, TERRIBLE EYES. So all these kids, then, went home absolutely terrified that they were going to burn forever because they didn’t tell their mom who broke the vase, or they told their dad they weren’t getting him a tie for Father’s Day. Christianity: The Faith of Fear. |
Page 13 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
“…so this is what he did. He gave everyone a message that was kind of ambiguous, and then allowed it to be tampered with by various monks and religious organizations that added their own bits to suit their own agendas, and just over two thousand years later, it’s been translated so many times by so many different organizations, and is worded so ambiguously and contradictorily that it’s really not very clear what to do or believe in order to be looked upon with favor by the eyes of God. So much for omnipotence, huh?” Wasn’t the whole “sending Jesus to Earth” thing really more of a symbolic gesture? If God is truly all-poweful, why go through the whole complicated process when you could just go “huzzah! Your sins are gone!” and be done with it quickly and easily? Or, better yet, just, y’know, modify the very fabric of reality so it’s more in tune with your expectations. So what if you believe in Jesus, but are gay? I mean, what if you’re a man who has sex with other men, but you worship Jesus as your Lord and savior? That… doesn’t necessarily contradict itself, you know. VERY SOON! How soon? So soon, they’ve been predicting it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS. Hey, wait a minute. What happened to those cute little Dr. Mario Virus Fag-Demons? Those things were adorable. |
Page 14 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Oh, a silhouette. How creative, Jack. What’s the matter, just didn’t feel like actually drawing anything for this panel? So God is a petty attention-whore, then? And, I mean, what constitutes belief? I’m willing to accept the idea that I may be wrong and maybe Jesus really did come here from God to die in some kind of elaborate “rescue” ritual–does that constitute belief? What about people who only sort of believe? Like, maybe they have some doubts about all of it. Or how about people who believe solely out of fear of the potential consequences of not believing? Does their sort of “forced” belief still count? |
Page 15 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
“All three kids got saved”? What kind of cop-out shit is that? What, you had to include the redundant filler panels with the kids asking the girl if she reads the Bible, but you couldn’t include them all falling onto the sidewalk and bawling? You could’ve had them on a hopscotch grid, maybe a basketball off to the side next to a discarded jump rope. And if it’s that bloody easy, then what’s the point? What is it with all this ridiculous symbolism? “God is all-powerful, yet he has to do everything the absolute hardest and most contrived way imaginable.” Yes, the gay lifestyle depicted in the Bible is exactly like that of the gays living today. I’ll admit, there’s a part of the gay community involved in drugs and wild partying, but the same can be said for just about any community. That doesn’t mean those communities as wholes are “evil”. Yeah, there are a TON of college kids who fuck each other seemingly at random, get stoned and drunk out of their minds, and live in a kind of sad pseudo-hedonism, but that doesn’t mean that every college student is disgusting and wicked. And many translations of the Bible say “homosexual offenders” when depicting the citizens of Sodom. Like, you know, sex offenders. There’s a difference between a homosexual, and a homosexual sex offender. It’s the same as the difference between a heterosexual and a heterosexual sex offender. If you honestly believe, Jack, that gay people who have wild, abusive, hedonistic sex with each other (like those apparently depicted in Sodom) are the equivalent of what the Bible refers to when it says the bit about “lying with a woman” or “having the love for a man that one should have for a woman”, then I have serious worries about your perspective on relationships with women. |
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| Jabberwock |
Bahaha, possessions. Right. One of the many excuses for getting out of the responsibility of free will. Why would God want to destroy them? He created them. And why destroy them? Why not, erm, heal them? Depossess them? He is, after all omnipotent. Or maybe he’s not, if his solution to everything is “BURN IT TO THE GROUND”. Why the fuck didn’t Lot just move? Or was he comfortable buying groceries from people who were apparently brutally raping each other behind the counter and having jizzfests in the food carts? |
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| Jabberwock |
Hey, um, Jack? Jack? You, uh, missed a part. You know, the part where Lot offers his daughters up to be brutally raped by the townspeople?
5And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know themI’m not sure if this is all something out of which you’d want to make a lesson in morality. That is, of course, unless your morals say it’s okay to send your daughters out to be raped. But, yeah, there’s no such thing as moral or ethical ambiguity, right? |
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| Jabberwock |
Hah, “back“? You’ve obviously never heard of THE LAST SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS. Rome? Riddled with fags. Greece? You couldn’t toss a nickel without it dropping onto some boy-on-boy action. Homosexuality isn’t just some current trend, you moron. It’s just been kind of culturally closeted for a couple centuries. People have still been gay, they’ve just been terrified to come out about it. It is BIOLOGICAL, and doesn’t just DISAPPEAR with prayer. If you think it’s gone, it’s really only just repressed. And what’s better than repressed fags entering into essentially loveless marriages with obnoxious, pissy women who are so religiously sexually repressed themselves that they won’t even let you make love to them unless you’re both in a dark room wearing blindfolds under four layers of bedding with a slab of particle board between you with a hole cut through it? YEAH, THAT’S PROGRESS. Hey, Jude 7. Don’t make it bad. Take a sad Psalm, and make it better. You know, why should I take you seriously at all? Why should anyone listen to anything you have to say about sex? I mean, for fuck’s sake, you people think clitoral orgasms are an abomination. |
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| Jabberwock |
Oh, yes, all those laws that say Satan must destroy children. You know the ones. Another dare for you, Jack–this time I double dare you: Find me ONE law that indicates in ANY WAY that teachers have to bring gay couples into classrooms. (Tip: You might want to opt for the Physical Challenge on this one.) Who can MAKE someone be gay? How does that work? I’ve had gay people hit on me before. I’ve even had one guy offer to fly me out to his place if I felt like “experimenting”. I turned them down, of course. Not because I believe in Jesus, but because I’M NOT GAY. I think Jack is confusing gay people with rapists. See, Jack, here’s the difference: You: I’m not gay.I know it’s subtle, but there is a difference. By the way, Jack, it seems like you don’t pay too close attention to Revelations: For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.So your little notations and taking things out of context and such? Not a good idea. |
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| Jabberwock |
I, uh, think you’re going to be pretty surprised when Jesus returns. Trust me on this one. |
Page 21 ⇑ ⇓
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| Jabberwock |
Huh, has Non-Susy, there, been aging throughout this tract? What is she, like, forty now? Again, who can be “tricked into” being [g]ay? And WHERE OH WHERE did Jesus say ANYTHING about being [g]ay? |
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| Jabberwock |
“When Jesus Christ returns to rule the world, you’ll be on the winning side.” Or so you think. You people are extremely assumptive about the mind and will of God, aren’t you? Pfft. “[D]evil’s crowd”. Oh, it’s a good thing he pointed out that we’d be saved “(from hell)”. I was under the apparently mistaken impression that we’d be saved for later use, or for a rainy day, or posterity or something. God looks really, really bored. He should conjure himself up a PlayStation3 or something. I’m sure he could make a pretty awesome screen on which to play it as well. I mean, he is, after all, an awesome God. |
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| Jabberwock |
So the moral is, apparently, “whatever Hell you feel awaits gay people after they die you should ensure is matched here on Earth”. You know, God’s Love and all that. It’s okay to hate fags, as long as you hate with love! |
Further Reading ⇑ ⇓
- Vintage page at Enter the Jabberwock (Courtesy of Archive.org)
- Product page at Chick Publications
Other Reviews & Commentaries ⇑
- Jack Chick's Funnybook Gospel - https://jackchick.wordpress.com/2010/07/21/chick-tract-review-birds-and-the-bees/#more-388
- User Slick146 (Space Battles Forum) - https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/lets-read-chick-tracts.525049/page-85#post-42892415
- Bible Reloaded (YouTube video) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JZdwQ6wwpo
Jabberwock