Page 31 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	"You were by the Coroner's car when the sheriff chewed us out" and yet the artist didn't think it was important to draw him into that scene. I always suspected there was something going on but I couldn't... *Puts on Sunglasses* Put my finger on it *YEEAAAAHHH!!!!*
Andrew	"Here's my card." "Thanks, Officer Bradley. Wait, is this a Laffy Taffy wrapper?" "No, that's my card." "I'm pretty sure it's just a Laffy Taffy wrapper. See here, it says 'What kind of bird breaks the law? An Ill Eagle!'" "Nope, that's my contact information. Call me if you find anything!" (Shuffles away).
Kelly	Why couldn't I put my finger on it, you ask? Well, it was busy on something else.

Page 32 ⇑ ⇓

Jessica	...wait a minute. Jim is taking off his shirt. Something isn't right here...
Andrew	All right. I normally wouldn't wade into this stuff, because I know I'm not a master of theology, but this Ezekiel 28 stuff is exactly the kind of thing that used to drive me nuts back when I went to church and called myself a Christian. Ezekiel 28:13-14 is from a set of verses that Ezekiel says he's been told to deliver to the Prince of Tyre, who has apparently made a serious mess of things. I'd like to remind everyone at this point that Tyre is and was a real city, with actual people living there, not some kind of mythological construct, and like most places of the time, it would have had a monarch. In other words, there is no reason a reference to the Prince of Tyre should call for anybody other than the man who answers to that title. However, the interpretation of these lines by Chick and by others is that Ezekiel is "really" talking about Lucifer. The argument seems to be that the terms used to describe the Prince of Tyre seem unreasonable for a human being, but not for a being such as Lucifer, even though that name doesn't occur anywhere in the passage, or anyplace around it. Everyone catch that? According to this interpretation, the "Prince of Tyre" is a metaphor, standing for something else and not what it literally means. Which is curious in the context of people like Chick who feel the Bible is literally true, and that (for example) when Genesis says creation took 7 days, that means 7 24-hour periods. My feeling is this: if the Bible is literal, Ezekiel 28: 13-14 is about the Prince of Tyre and that's it. If you want to say it's about Lucifer, that's fine too... but don't try to tell me that everything else must be literal.
Kelly	"It's exciting... let me share it with you." Jim and Tim are going to get it on XD. As a side note, something about God, Lucifer, la la la.
Sean	Despite the fact that I apparently know more about the Bible than any so called Biblical Scholar, I need Tim to explain to me how Satan got started. Oh, and nice muscles by the way. Apparently faces, backgrounds, and scale is too much for the artist, but the rippling muscles of a tall handsome black man are doable. .....No Homo.
Jessica	Oh, there's Homo all right. There's Homo all up in this piece.
Kristin	Nothing like a little bible talk to put me in the mood…

Page 33 ⇑ ⇓

Andrew	At least Isaiah 14 really is about Lucifer, and the II Peter and Jude passages really are about the rebellious angels. I guess that's something.
Kelly	Satan and his followers, in the lower left frame as the heaven cloud is nowhere to be seen.
Sean	Looks like the scientists were all wrong! It's not the ozone layer that's around the earth, it's a layer of Demons! Again with the well drawn muscles. Someone's really holding back their urges.

Page 34 ⇑ ⇓

Kelly	...In this portrayal, Satan is kind of hot. Literally and physically.
Andrew	Aww crap, looks like we've entered the "Sunday School" part of the comic. Wake me up when it's time for donuts and coffee.
Sean	This may be my first commentary, but even I'm sick of this already. I'm gonna get a beer, something tells me I'll need it before we're finished.
Kristin	Did Satan dye his hair?

Page 35 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Huh, those are the zodiac signs in the background. Looks like he's taking a crack at Astrology too. It's like he's taking the opportunity to shove everything he deems "Satanic" in at once. Now all we're missing is Catholicism, Evolution and D&D. Also, Jim has his shirt back on despite taking it off not just a few moments ago.
Kelly	"Souls of Men!!!" and women can just go wherever the hell they want, he wanted the men!!! Dammit! He needed the men, for his "main thrust into the..." well...
Kristin	Nimrod was the first to sacrifice the children in fire, but now… Everyone’s doing it!

Page 36 ⇑ ⇓

Andrew	I've said it before: the only people who believe that Wicca (as we know it today) has been around for thousands of years are Wiccans and people like Jack Chick. Anyone else find that comical?
Sean	Yeah, Wicca as we know it isn't even 100 years old yet. Hell, Jack Chick (If we're to believe he's as old as they claim) is older than it. Then again, all religions that aren't his particular brand of Christianity are just Satanism in disguise. Even the church of the Jedi Knights.
Kelly	"Does his organization have money?" No, but it has lots and lots of ladyfingers...

Page 37 ⇑ ⇓

Jessica	Wait! Stop! LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES ON FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY!!!
Sean	Okay, time to add 3 more entries to the list of things Mr. Chick hates. Keep it up and we'll be able to fill the Library of Congress.
Kelly	"But we know who wins in the end! Right?" Oh yea, brother...
Sean	Aaand Jim's taking his shirt off, again. Only this time it's changed to a white and blue striped one. Seriously, did anyone bother to proof-read this? A little consistency within your own comic is all I'm asking for.
Kristin	According to Jack Chick, Broadway is the closest thing to hell here on earth!

Page 38 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Now it's pink again. I give up, there's no need to put any effort into this since no one in the production crew did. The boy actually went out and got a puppy, but he still seems sad. Hmm.... I wonder if it's because he lost a beloved pet he's probably had for years, then two guys help him look for 2 minutes, give up , and just tell him to get a new dog. Oh, and as if we didn't need enough convincing that these guys were evil, they sacrifice cute doggies to their evil master. Why stop there Jack? Maybe you could show them kicking old ladies, running red lights and ripping those "Do not remove" tags off their pillows.
Andrew	How many muscles can we cram into a panel? Just a little more and we're in Rob Liefeld territory.
Kelly	Wait everyone, Mini-Justin-Bieber is crying! Oh no, not Tammy Doo!
Andrew	I love the idea of Satan asking permission. (Knock knock knock) Satan: "Hey. Hey Jesus." Jesus: (stretching) "What, man? You know what time it is?" Satan: "Couldn't wait. I wanted to ask your permission, you know, to move against a Christian." Jesus: "Naw... no way man. You got me up for this?" Satan: "But I wanted to..." Jesus: "Go back to bed. It'll make more sense in the morning."

Page 39 ⇑ ⇓

Jessica	Nope. I definitely don't see two beds. Did they? Did they really...?
Andrew	Is Chick just that sheltered that he doesn't know how this looks?
Sean	Wow, um... I was just kidding with the comments earlier. Hang on, a white guy, a black guy, an ambiguously gay relationship... oh hell, if I don't do it someone else will: "IT'S GUY LOVE! BETWEEN TWO GUYS...."
Kelly	Yea, Tim's "chicken" woke him up this morning. "Lets pray, Tim... because we did a really bad thang."
Kristin	Bitch! Where’s my breakfast! You’ve been up for hours! Now hurry up!

Page 40 ⇑ ⇓

Andrew	And now they refer to each other by their full names, instead of Tim and Jim.
Kelly	James... Timothy... so they are symbols of the disciples. Yes, kids, be a disciple of Christ:; go gay!
Kristin	Who prays all hunched up like that? That can’t feel good.

Page 41 ⇑ ⇓

Andrew	The food's terrible, but I eat here every day!
Kelly	Busty Red-head: "Yeah, do you know about things like that... are you, you know, free later?" Jim: Why am I always stuck as his wingman? Damn, after all we've been through... and last night! Last Night!
Sean	Jesus, look at their hands in this page! Either that's a tiny menu, or Sheyla Hershey's less than a handful to them. A lightning bolt in a pentagram. I knew Harry Potter was satanic!

Page 42 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	"I'd love to hear about it, but not around these common folk. " I guess accepting Jesus turns you into a snob.
Kristin	“Yeah he is so totally cool and I’m like so way dedicated to being like a Satanist because like all my friends are doing it so it must be good… right?”
Jessica	Indeed, go across the street to the park with these two unassuming gentlemen. Jeez, the girls in these things really are overly trusting, aren't they? Or maybe she can pick up on the fact they're as gay as old Dad's Hat-band just as easily as we can?

Page 43 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Are you a good witch or a bad witch? 80%? Damn! I went to college in California, and I doubt even 1% of our students were into Wicca/Witchcraft/Raëlism (Or whatever disguise Satan is using)
Kristin	The real secret to the story is that Jody is actually the angry sheriff’s daughter! Explains why he was so damn sensitive about the witches!
Jessica	All it took was someone telling her "God doesn't do anything anymore?" Don't you think it would be more likely she was being told everything she did and wanted to do would send her to Hell for eternity? That's what tends to turn most people off to church.

Page 44 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	"I've seen him do things that will blow your mind! For instance, did you know he can pull coins out of people's ears?"
Kristin	“My teacher  told me that if I ever wanted any chance of passing the 10th grade I had to join The Satan club for extra credit."
Jessica	"Speaking of blowing... if we're going to continue this conversation I'm going to have to charge you. But not him. No... too big... too big..." "By the way... you aren't a cop, are you? Because you have to tell me if you are!"

Page 45 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Earlier you said you never saw Christians do anything supernatural, and now you're saying they're immune to mind control (Just roll with it). If these guys are the only ones you can't manipulate, then that's a pretty big example of them having some sort of power. "Really? I've never heard that before! Despite growing up white-bread America, going to church for most of my life, and experiencing first hand that I can't control them with my witchcraft, no one ever told me that Jesus had any power. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!"
Kristin	“Well… he cant control you two, because I have been trying to get him to make you guys have a threesome with me in the park ALL morning!”
Jessica	Jesus is moving mightily in the supernatural today <sic>? I've got just one thing to say to that.

Page 46 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Jody here really seems to be flip-flopping all over the place. First she's gung-ho about Satanism, then she's interested in Christianity, then back to Satanism because of all the good stuff she gets, and finally back because she's afraid. Is she bipolar or something?
Kristin	Not THAT afraid… She is in the park, alone, with two strange men who could being doing all kinds of crazy stuff with her. Right now!

Page 47 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Once again we've reached the part where someone who's lived in the United States all their life has no idea who Jesus is. Has she never turned on her TV or radio for more than 5 minutes? "You mean his blood will wash away all the horrible things I've done?" "Yes, even the things you do with your shower nozzle"
Kristin	Yes Jody… Even murder! And why is she so willing to dish the dirt on all of her naughty little secrets.
Jessica	Then this guy she barely knows whips out the cuffs and drags her down to the station. Certainly is a trusting little tramp, now isn't she?

Page 48 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Can we skip this part? I've already seen it a thousand times.
Kristin	He wants to come into more than just your heart, Jody.
Jessica	"I don't know about coming into my heart, but I usually charge extra for something like that. Is this 'Jesus' a big tipper?"

Page 49 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Tim calls her Judy, but Jim calls her Jody... Oh come on!! Now you're just doing this on purpose! "New beautiful body. Not like the one you have now!" Smooth move there Timmy.
Jessica	These two are so used to rattling off this pre-rehearsed schtick that they can't even keep the poor girl's name straight. Judy, Jody, Jenny... whatever in the hell your name is... accept Jesus now!!!
Kristin	But then If I told you, you wouldn’t pay the $8.50 to see the movie and God would think his production was a flop!
Jessica	God will give you all this stuff! It'll be awesome!!! You'll have superpowers!!! And angels rubbing your feet and shit! That's what this is all about!!! Stuff!!!

Page 50 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Gotta love the background in the second panel. "OMG! People praying? I've never seen that before!!" Guess the mom and her kid are also part of the Satanist cult in town, why else would they do a double-take like that? How did the guy at the diner know what they were doing in the park? Wasn't the whole point of going there to avoid being noticed by him? Sense: This comic makes none.
Jessica	"Well, damn! This town as an ordinance against more than two people kneeling in a public park. Someone call the cops so they can write those ruffians a citation."
Kristin	Wow! That’s all it takes to feel good! I should quit doing drugs and just start praying!
Jessica	"I'm higher than Jesus right now!!!" The look on J(o/u)dy's face there always reminded me of that Farrah Fawcett poster. You know the one.

Page 51 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Jody's really barking up the wrong tree. Look at Jim's expression there. "Why's she being so affectionate to us?" "Just roll with it Chocolate Bear. She'll get the hint at some point." Also, how are these panels arranged? They seem to zigzag from left to right to left again. Guess we needed the tall panel to show off the muscles again.
Kristin	Jody was just looking for an excuse to ditch those two squares, she didn’t even wear a jacket.
Jessica	"...yeah. I gotta go guys. I think I left some... food... in the oven..."

Page 52 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Someone's messed with the Striped Tomato, so Jody/Judy's gotta be in danger. Or maybe someone just vandalized your car for parts. Nah, it's definitely Satanists.
Jessica	The distributor cap is somehow directly related to Jody's safety. WTF? Is it an essential component in her Iron Man pacemaker or something?

Page 53 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	"He's lying!" Gee, you think?
Jessica	Naw, dude. That incredibly gaudy pentagram necklace belonged to some other wayward teenager. Don't you remember what she said? %80.

Page 54 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	What would Jesus do? Slam a door into a man who's offered no physical resistance to him. Yeah, that sounds about right. What would Jesus do? Slam a door into a man who's offered no physical resistance to him. Yeah, that sounds about right. Also, every shot of Jim gives us a nice view of his backside, the tight shirt and exposed muscles aren't helping either. Just sayin'.
Jessica	I know, right? Why are Tim and Jim put together like He-Man action figures?
Kristin	This is a messed up town! Café guy call the Satanist on one of their own for talking to two dudes! Whoa!

Page 55 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	"Wouldn't miss it for anything"? This isn't a party you know, you're trying to save a girl's life. Does Mr. Chick have any idea how people actually talk? At the very least, these idiots are being sensible for a change and getting backup from the police. "I have faith that Jesus will protect me! But just in case, I'm gonna be packing heat."
Jessica	I wouldn't miss this sacrifice for the world! I heard it's going to be one raging kegger!!!
Kristin	They do their Satan worship at the guys house!? Would anyone really expect them to just be home and why are they waiting till 9pm to save the girl?

Page 56 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	Me and my big mouth. I know Jim's a big guy and all, but maybe you should wait for the people with guns. Hey wait a moment... Big muscular black man, large afro and mustache, crashes through the door... Holy hell it's BIG JIM SLADE!!
Kristin	And they all stop and say: Guess what Jim? You’re on Candid Camera!
Jessica	Faster, Satanists! Kill! Kill!

Page 57 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	If your child has swallowed something toxic, simply invoke the will of Jesus to induce vomiting.
Kristin	Cool! That works? I will have to try the “make your friends puke” trick  for fun!
Jessica	Magic vomiting powers. That's false advertisement if I've ever seen it.

Page 58 ⇑ ⇓

Sean	"Boy, the Lord really answered my prayers." True, but don't forget he did let you get kidnapped in the first place, and only intervened by having Jim do all the work. How is it that a naked woman wrapped in a blanket is presented less sexily than half the stuff we've seen involving Turk and J.D. here? "Hey! It's Rev. Cooley!" And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling ambiguously gay interracial couple!!" ...What? You knew that joke was coming!
Jessica	Damn, man! You beat me to it! ...and here we have shades of Dark Dungeons again. Got a problem with some "subversive" literature? Burn it!

Page 59 ⇑ ⇓

Jessica	"Hi, I'm Tim of the Crusaders... and I'm here today to talk to you about the many benefits of Hanes® ® turtleneck shirts..."
Andrew	Please tell me Fred Carter knows enough about anatomy to realize Satan's body position on the right looks very little like praying and very much like something else.
Sean	Satan is constipated? No wonder he's been so pissed off all these years. Once again Fred: Very nice muscles there. Even Lucifer's too sexy for his shirt.
Jessica	I am sure Satan is terrifed. The way they have him hog-tied like that it looks like that angry mob of dead Christians are about to take turns sodomizing him. It would take decades!

Conclusion ⇑ ⇓

Sean

Well this was certainly an interesting experience. I gotta say though, this was probably one of Chick's lazier works. The insanity just kinda fizzles out, and never reaches the ridiculous heights of many of his other comics. Not once does he ever try to connect this back to the Catholic Church or the NWO, and aside from the projectile vomiting cultists we don't get any of the really silly supernatural stuff. Even the typical conversion scene feels tacked-on by his usual standards. That said, it's still enjoyably bad.

Further Reading ⇑