Not Another Religious Tract Dissection by Boolean Union Studios

Angels? - Tract #073 (ANGL)
Art by Jack Chick - © 1986 Chick Publications

First Published: December 25th, 2011

"Angels?" tells the story of The Green Angels, a Christian rock group who sign a contract with Lou Siffer to make them huge stars. They discover (a bit belatedly) that Lou Siffer is Lucifer, and that for him, Christian music is just a pawn in an insidious plot to corrupt humanity. Following the deaths of two of the band members, Tom rediscovers Jesus through a Chick Tract, nullifying his contract with Lucifer.

Commentators

Jessica

Andrew

Page Index
1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21	22

Introduction ⇑ ⇓

Andrew	So before we begin: Chick really does believe that rock music is controlled by a Satanic conspiracy. It's not a metaphor or anything like that. Interestingly, he doesn't mention the Druids as a culprit, as in Spellbound? In this tract, Satan seems to take an active role in the record industry. A real renaissance man, that Lucifer.

Jessica	That really is something else when you actually think about it. In tracts like It's A Deal or The Contract you never know if the unassuming fellow you are wheeling and dealing with is the big man himself or merely some delegated, lower level functionary. Here he comes right out and introduces himself as the Lightbearer himself. If you warrant a visit from the boss himself you must be some serious hot shit. Be honored.

Cover / Page 1 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Oh yeah. We're definitely in the 80's here. Hair metal? Check. Mano Cornuta? Check. Gloriously ostentatious guitar? Total check!

Andrew	Another nice, bright Chick cover. That's cool. Another nonsensical question mark? That's... less so.

Page 2 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Nice van, guys. Shaggin' wagon if I ever saw one. What complete tools.

Andrew	This tract is an object lesson in the importance of getting a written agreement. Essentially, our "fanatical Christian pastor" just went back on his word, forcing the non-so-fab four into the arms of Satan.

Page 3 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	The preacher put a stop to their act and stiffed them on part of the tab... even though they "Put Jesus in it." I like to this these guys come from the Faith + 1 school of song writing, which would explain things.

Andrew	"My way"? So, is Satan actually Frank Sinatra? Old Blue Eyes is Old Scratch?

Jessica	"We're a bunch of losers." That's rather self-introspective of them. They deserve credit.

Page 4 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	They get approached by a random flasher in a diner and this doesn't set off any alarms. Must not be that out of the ordinary for them.

Andrew	Our friend in the right panel looks like he's supposed to resemble someone- like a young Elvis or something. Given Chick's lack of drawing skill, anything is possible.

Jessica	He looks like he's had a hard night snorting coke off the back of a public toilet. Buy a comb, kid.

Page 5 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	His name is Stiffer? Like Stiffler's mom?

Andrew	"First, lets see the bread." I love how people in this tract (published in 1989) use the same dated slang as the people in Soul Story and Spellbound?

Jessica	Oh... Siffer! Well that's a horse of a different color.

Page 6 ⇑ ⇓



Andrew	It makes you wonder why the heck these guys started playing Christian music in the first place.

Jessica	Are you guys solid Christians? Bow-chicka-bow-wow... Naw, man. We just do this church gig to get chicks.

Page 7 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Even if their not really Christians (like in solid) it seems like a rather stupid idea to try to lure them with Groupies, booze and drugs. Even if their beliefs are rather liberal they're still a Christian rock band, and those guys tend to be at least a little straight-laced.

Page 8 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Signing a contract in blood, while pretty cool in theory, seems like a pretty unsanitary way to spread disease.

Page 9 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	"Haw, haw" indeed. That's how you can tell they've finally gone over to the dark side.

Andrew	So now Lew Siffer is going to lay it all out for them, like the worst sort of monologuing super villain. Hey Lew, if these guys are your cannon fodder, it might be best to keep that under wraps.

Jessica	"You're going to serve me." It's about that time I'd be asking to read that contract again to make sure I didn't get myself into some really deep Kim Chee.

Page 10 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Lew's in the background. In the closet... if you will. That would explain why he's always so impeccably dressed.

Andrew	World system of what? I like the implication that somehow billions of people listen exclusively to rock music, and that death metal is anything more than a small niche within the genre.

Page 11 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Killer Rock spawns Soft Rock, Hard Rock and Heavy Rock. Sometime following 1972 it will evolve yet again into Hard Rock Cafe and from thence into it's final form... Rock Lobster. On that day, every knee shall bow to Mr. Siffer here in humble gratitude.

Andrew	So, where does Hair Metal fit into this chart?

Page 12 ⇑ ⇓



Andrew	Mötley Crüe was founded in 1981, dipshit, and didn't become really popular for another few years. Also, if Chick had ever listened to Black Sabbath, he'd know they weren't exactly "pushing" any of those things. I realize this was still the era of the backmasking lawsuits, but still.

Jessica	Christian nutsacks who get their panties all in a twist over music like this never actually listen to the music. They just rail against what they've heard about it. But those people crusading against popular film, now at least they have the dedication to consume the filth they deride.

Page 13 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Oh NOW they're Christians. Give me a break.

Andrew	"Let's move on." It's like he's giving a time-share presentation or something.

Page 14 ⇑ ⇓



Andrew	Young people will die for rock and roll? That seems... doubtful.

Jessica	They've become zombies?!? OH NO!!! The Satanist Church? Oh come on. Even those guys admit that they're all about showmanship and bucking the establishment. They rarely actually worship Satan.

Page 15 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	When did they become the "Green" Angels? And what exactly does that symbolize? I know they're new and all but they surely won't stay that way.

Page 16 ⇑ ⇓



Andrew	THAT is their song? Their big, satanic, death metal dirge? "We're gonna rock with the rock"? Jiminy Criminy, was the last rock song Chick heard by Bill Haley and the Comets? This is exactly the sort of crap music that got swept off the airwaves with the release of Nirvana's Nevermind in 1991.

Jessica	The demons flying out of the speakers is a nice touch. It seems that Hell's legions have tons of specialized creepy crawlies. Here they entrance audiences with rock music, elsewhere they encourage people of the same sex to enter loving committed relationships with one another. I wonder if the pay is good?

Page 17 ⇑ ⇓



Andrew	Thus revealing once again that Chick has no idea where AIDS comes from.

Jessica	So I'm guessing Bobby isn't all that concerned with the girls throwing themselves at him. And why does Chick think all gay men look like Freddy Mercury?

Page 18 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Well Don's a jaded little cuss now isn't he?

Andrew	Actually, other than Tom, I can barely tell who is who among the Green Angels. It doesn't help that their look changes from panel to panel- it's worse than Daisy in Fame.

Jessica	Do take note of the guy in the crowd wearing the jacket with the big "No" symbol over the cross. That's satanic imagery with absolutely no subtext.

Page 19 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Heart attack on stage. How embarrassing. Just bite the head off a bat or something, this is going too far.

Andrew	Hard to tell in this panel, but that's a Chick tract she's slipping into his pocket. "Embrace Me, Love of Death", huh? I guess that's better than "rock with the rock." Still makes no sense.

Page 20 ⇑ ⇓



Andrew	Why look, it's The Contract, by Jack T Chick. This implies that there are Chick Tracts available inside the story world of Chick tracts. Does that mean that, perhaps there are copies of Angels floating around in The Contract? Talk about infinite recursion.

Jessica	It's amazing how easily everyone converts in these things. People have no willpower.

Page 21 ⇑ ⇓



Jessica	Oooohhhh!!! Snap! Consider yourself resisted, Lew. You just got served!

Andrew	Reminds me of that old drug PSA...

Jessica	If it's that easy to break a contract with Satan why does he keep making them? As Andrew pointed out elsewhere it's like getting out of a debt by writing "Paid in Full" on a check.

Page 22 ⇑ ⇓



Andrew	It's like Chick couldn't think of another way to end the tract than by invoking the end of Dark Dungeons. Also, Chick clearly couldn't resist the chance to plug himself again.