Chapter 7, "SHHHHH!"

The dead walk the earth!

I'd do her.

Frank looks... diabolical. "Heh heh heh. Yeah, baby, yeah!"

I can't imagine I've ever looked like that while watching television. And I've seen things you couldn't think up in your worst nightmares.

Explosive... like diarrhea.

GOOD NIGHT MARK!!!!

"Take the hint, jerk!"

Ach!!! Zombies!!!

Mark refuses to take the hint.

Yeah, it really is amazing how late-night, softcore porn can cut into your sleep schedule.

"I'm only trying to help... it's not that I'm just trying to force my beliefs on you or anything..."

"Oh, wait, I lied, actually I am- but first, how's the old in-and-out going for ya?"

He sounds like a TV commerical all right. I keep hoping Mark will start quoting an Enzyte commerical. "Try the once daily tablet for natural male enhancement..."

"We've secretly replaced Frank with a bag of hair clippings from a barber shop. Let's see if Mark notices!"

Come on, Frank. Tell us how you really feel. Are you telling me Helen isn't an absolute minx in the sack?

You know, I can't say I've heard that euphemism before.

There's trouble in River City!!! RIVER CITY RANSOM!!!

Barf!

You could say that. But it still wouldn't make any damn sense.

If your wife is an ugly hog beast.. you'd better butter her bread unless you're dying...

So Frank is one of those guys who doesn't like to have sex with his wife.

Rarer than unicorns.

Again we've got the weird placement emphasis. "Are you kidding?" "No, Frank, the Bible is kidding! Wakka wakka wakka!"

If you have regular sex with your wife you won't want to do it with anyone else... solid logic to me!

Then again, a schweinhund like Frank doesn't exactly seem like a ladies man.

So we have three enemies, huh?

1) The World - This basically means that you have to be as out of touch with modern society as possible.

2) The Lust of the Flesh - God gave you natural biological urges to promote the propagation of the species... but he doesn't want you to use it!

3) The Devil - An invisible boogeyman in red tights whom God allows to screw with you for cheap shits and giggles. Hell, just read the book of Job.

Mark has weak points? What are they? Is there something about this dapper gentleman we aren't being told? Is it his obscene consumption of coffee?

"After all I am human." Don't flatter yourself, buddy.

Wonderful drawing of a blender. Also, there is some stuff in the background.

Yeah! If we just do it like the Bible says, our natural biological urges will dissapear! That's why Reparative Therapy is so useful for curing The Gay!

Nothing gets you out of the mood quicker than reading the Bible.

Always works for me.

"Drink waters out of thine own cistern." Does that mean... ew. I doubt Frank's flexible enough for that anyway.

Actually, it's my girlfriend, Rosy Palmer! And her five sisters!

That's right, Frank. Your wife! Good job! You've earned a toffee!!! Just let me wipe the drool from your chin with this paper towel first.

Mark, that could be because she's an incessant nag.

"Who doesn't? Last year's office party, right? No, no, it was during the Olympics. Er, wait.."

"...in other words, it died!" Yes, we know Mark. You've already used that nonsensical euphemism numerous times already.

So... if your wife is upset... knock her up? Because thus far Frank has just been knocking her down. He's got the whole thing backwards.

As it is, this family already has more than enough kids. Hell, for these people, ANY kids are too many.

I think it's cute how they dress up for the Jehova's Witnesses.

You know, it honestly took me a few seconds to figure out what was going on in this panel.

I think a hairy knuckle dragger is brushing a piece of cheese.

Take THAT, orderly layout!

Let me take a quick stab at what that label says... "Best Mustard. Loaded."

I'm sure the best mustard IS loaded mustard.

Wait, so Frank doesn't use deodorant now?

Can't you tell? You can practically SEE the stink lines!

"Will a ham and swiss sandwich and some grape soda do?"

"Marriage is honorable and the bed undefiled..." so says the book of... ummm... Hirireine. I don't even know. I zoomed in on that thing and there is no way that says "Hebrews." Maybe Mark is using an Coptic Bible or something.

Nothing says "romance" like this image right here.

Om, nom, nom, nom. He's just trying to inhale that sandwich.

"... and he won't make her sleep in the wet spot, either!"

"Yes, that sandwich was indeed filling and satisfying."

"Let me give you just one or two more goodies..." Man, this guy's font of marital wisdom just runneth over. You'd think Frank would be well beyond the point by now of entertaining this guy while he criticizes his performance in the bedroom.

Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes its just inappropriate PDA.

She'll be proud her husband loves her enough to squeeze her hand. What can we say, her expectations are just that low.

"Don't embarass Helen about her weight" ...she does a good enough job of that herself. The woman should learn the healing powers of dark colors and vertical stripes.

He needs the husband's permission to talk to Helen... who is, after all, Mark's blood relative.

Mark is "avoiding the appearances of evil" so that no one will suspect any inpropriety. Actually... eeewwwwww...