Tract Dissections


Today's Candidate:


Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternate Deathstyle

Part I

Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alernate Deathstyle

© 1986 Dick Hafer

Uploaded April 9th, 2014



"Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternate Deathstyle" is actually a book written by Dick Hafer waaaayyyy back in the halcyon days of 1986 when Reagan ran the country and everyone was afraid of the Bomb. AIDS had just begun coming into the public consciousness and most people (who were only just starting to call it something other than "Gay Cancer") knew almost nothing about it. This left the door wide open for uncheck fear and hate against the group seen as the primary carriers of this disease... homosexuals. Dick Hafer manages to distill and ferment this hate and fear into an almost 100 proof heady brew and then gives it to you good through a series of cartoons that can almost be referred to as "chibified." Make no mistake though, this is pure, uncut bigotry mainlined straight into your neocortex. Brace yourselves.

Special thanks to "Comics with Problems" for the scans!



Panel Index
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20
21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | Conclusion



Panel 1
Sean:

Okay, this is breaking form for us here at Boolean Union. Why is that? Because this quite possibly the most shameless piece of Right-Wing Christian Propaganda trash known to man. Say what you will about all the other comics we've riffed on, at least Tim Todd tried the friendly approach, Hell, Jack Chick at least seems to be pitching a message of warning and salvation. But this? This is hate speech, pure and simple. I want to formally apologize to any gay, lesbian, bi, or transgendered readers out there, because this level of balls to the wall homophobia will almost certainly offend you. I will try to mix in humor whenever I can, but I guarantee this will feature a LOT of angry counter arguments from me.

 

Jessica:

You average Chick tract or Truth for Youth cartoon is never shy with expressing its displeasure with the so-called "homosexual lifestyle" but they usually try their best to appear as though they truly care for the gay people in question and are acting out of genuine concern for their eternal well being. Not Dick Hafer. No, no, no. He's mad. Mad as HELL! And he doesn't care who knows it! It seems he can't quite figure out, though, whether he's more cheesed off because of the (stereotypical) acts that gays and lesbians perform or if it is solely their existence on the same planet as himself. To hear Dick talk all gays engage in the most depraved acts you can imagine WITHOUT FAIL and as a result should be considered by all good little heterosexuals to be typhoid Marys and Marks and avoided at all costs in the name of public health.

 

   
   
   

Panel 2 Sean:

So you don't want them to be educated alongside straight students, but at the same time you refuse to let them learn separately? Based on some research, I've found that there is actually a high school that matches the description. Aside from the obvious difference in common sexual orientation, it seems to be a pretty normal school. It's not like they have classes on sodomy or anything, so no need to get all upset there Chester.

 

Jessica:

You know, if there were fewer people like Chester out there then schools solely for queer students wouldn't be necessary. If you weren't always trying to ban them from the Prom or force them to use the wrong restroom this whole point would be moot.

 

   
   
   

Panel 3 Sean:

Oh yeah, you know how gay men are, they'll gladly bang anyone with a penis regardless of how attractive, likable, or hygienic they are.

 

Jessica:

Non-religious children are four times more likely to "adopt homosexual habits?" Apparently all of these fine, upstanding, "moderately devout" heterosexuals don't even come close to disproving that little nugget, now do they?

Does it seem weird to anyone else that you could get addicted to anal sex?

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 4 Sean:

Well of course you'd get those figures. After all, wouldn't you want your first sexual experience to be with someone you like? Assuming that you don't lose your virginity via rape, chances are you chose your first partner beforehand. These statistics aren't making your case, and in fact seem to support the argument that ones sexuality is not a learned habit.

 

Jessica:

85% said their first sexual experience was a homosexual one, 83% of which were committed in a middle school locker room.

Jesus...

 

   
   
   

Panel 5

Sean:

True, most straight men don't like being flogged by Bluto from Popeye, but other than that we're not all that different.

 

Jessica:

Again, all of this (illustration aside) seems perfectly reasonable. Gay people ARE another minority like blacks and jews. The Mattachine Society SHOULD be able to solicit funds. The problem IS society's disapproval of homosexuality.

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 6 Sean:

I ask you, Mister Policeman: Who is more of a sissy? The man with a purse, or the man who can't handle being hit with a purse? Truly the pride of the NYPD.

 

Jessica:

Do you know why that cop was hit with a purse? It's because the Stonewall riot included quite a few transgender individuals. You know why that isn't mentioned here? Because Dick Hafer doesn't understand the different between gay people and trans people.

Do gay men really carry "purses?"

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 7 Sean:

Actually, the term "Gay" in that context can be traced back to the 17th century as a derogatory term for people with loose sexual morals, which came into popular usage for promiscuous individuals in the 19th century, before being limited to those who sleep around with members of their own sex roughly around the 1920's or 30's and eventually simply became the common word for homosexuality in general in 1955.


TLDR: Words do not just pop up randomly via think tank, especially not ones that have become so commonly used. Language doesn't work that way.

 

Jessica:

The "in-the-closet" boys weren't ashamed of their "habit" they were worried they were going to be beaten to death by idiots like you. That's not the same thing.

 

   
   
   

Panel 8 Sean:

I'm not sure what he imagines a Gay Pride Parade to look like. But from what I gather, it looks like this. It's really more of a protest rally/demonstration than a mass orgy (I assume that's what he was thinking).

 

Jessica:

The first gay pride parade held in New York in 1970 looked like this. This is a march against prohibition. This is a march for women's suffrage.

Get over yourself.

 

   
   
   

Panel 9 Jessica:

What's disgusting? I just showed how lots of different people march for lots of different reasons.

 

Sean:

... Greek Letters are disgusting? Why do I get the feeling this Dick Hafer fellow launched a major crusade against the Satanic menace of Zeta Gundam?

 

Jessica:

And here the whole thing is laid bare. He just comes right out and says it. There are "sodomites" and there are "normal people."

It's still kind of shocking to see someone that just doesn't try to hide one iota of their bigotry.

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 10 Sean:

Right... except even in the world of straight people, this isn't really how it works. Many of the great figures in History were unmarried and without children.

 

Jessica:

The average person has between 4 and 8 sex partners throughout their life. Between 40% and 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. One in four American children are raised in a single-parent home.

You can't make unfounded generalizations like this, chief. This is the age of the internet.

 

 

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 11 Sean:

Actually, this could easily describe the lifestyle of Russell Brand.

 

Jessica:

Straight people aren't obsessed with sex at all. No siree, bob. It's just the homos.

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 12 Sean:

Oh of course the only profession he shows for the Gay lifestyle is that of a hairdresser. Because they only take on those sorts of jobs to fund their sex lives. Just to clarify, here's a quick list of important figures of history who just so happened to be gay: Harvey Milk, Freddie Mercury, Alexander the Great, Leonardo Da Vinci, Nero the Roman emperor, Oscar Wilde, James Randi, Stephen Fry, and of course, the most awesome human being of all time, George Takei.

 

Jessica:

The straight guy wasn't shown to die. There's a good reason not to be gay. It will make you vulnerable to the reaper.

 

   
   
   
   
   

Panel 13 Sean:

Wait, it's odd to bathe more than weekly? This may explain why Chester is single.

 

Jessica:

I thought the two institutions that have done the most to promote and define homosexuality are GLAAD and the Human Rights Campaign.

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 14 Sean:

I know it's kind of redundant to poke fun at the art here, but I seriously can't tell if that fist is supposed to be wrapping around the guys arm or what.

 

Jessica:

You know, straight people are into S&M as well. This becomes more and more prevalent as we go through this comic. We keep stumbling upon things that are just as common among heterosexuals but Dick here attempts to frame them as exclusively gay phenomena.

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 15 Jessica:

This is probably completely beside the point, but there is no way that guy is a 32B (NSFW). He has no shoulders.

 

Sean:

So because some Gay bars do have independent prostitutes operating within, logically speaking we should condemn the entire orientation because of it?

 

Jessica:

It's just the way we are. It isn't that you're lying your ass off, we just can't help it. So whattaya gonna do?

 

   
   
   

Panel 16 Jessica:

Why do all of Dick's gay people have little John Waters moustaches?

 

Sean:

If that's a fancy tub, then I live in Buckingham Palace.

 

Jessica:

"Your gonna have a hard time believing THIS..." You believed all gay people are into violent sex and that they've set up schools to teach kids how to have gay sex, but this is a bridge too far!

 

   
   
   

Panel 17
Sean:

Their sex toys include a set of anal beads, a baseball bat, a pair of scissors, and a sickle. Have fun figuring out how this works.

 

Jessica:

These illustrations are really starting to remind me of the marginalia in Mad Magazine.

 

   
   
   
   
   
   

Panel 18 Sean:

Yeah, it's not like they have a choice about their sexual actions. Gay men are physically incapable of having a simple monogamous relationship with a man. Nope, they have a compulsion to attend these bathhouses and do acts that they themselves find disgusting.

 

Jessica:

Again, straight people use "dungeons" too. Get over it.

First Mad, now he's trying to rip off Charlie Brown as well.

 

   
   
   

Panel 19 Sean:

Did anyone ever say "Frost me?"

 

Jessica:

What about "curl your hair?" That's a pretty stupid idiom.

The only evidence I've found for ay sex occurring at the Iwojima Memorial was a guy named John Hinson in 1976. He was a Congressional Representative. He was also a Republican.

 

   
   
   

Panel 20 Jessica:

Haw Haw Haw... those queers got their asses kicked but good. Shoulda had themselves a good old fashioned fag drag! Physically harming others brings me joy!

 

Sean:

As tasteless as it is, I do find that sign funny.

 

Jessica:

I can imagine something like that ironically hung on the entrance of a gay bar.

 

   
   
   

Panel 21 Sean:

What the hell is "Sumy"? I've never been able to find any form of this word. Is he implying that they're from Sumer? Either Chester is some kind of old school racist, or there's something I'm missing here.

 

Jessica:

What a diverse collection of individuals. It's almost like... gay people are just like you!

 

   
   
   

Panel 22 Sean:

Gee, it's almost as if Gay men were human beings just like the rest of us.


 

Jessica:

They handle food!?!? Holy shit! Call the cops!!!

 

Sean:

"Thrust"? Was that a pun?

 

Jessica:

Is the implication that if they were totally absorbed by the search for normal sex acts these two chuckleheads would be okay with it?

 

   
   
   

Panel 23 Sean:

Phallic vibrators apparently make this guy sick. Prepare for a level of prudishness that makes Kirk Cameron look like Sean Connery.

 

Jessica:

He's lying. Everyone loves lesbians. Everyone.

 

   
   

Panel 24 Sean:

*Scoffs* Oh please, I've sat through "A Serbian Film". Standard acts of Gay sex don't phase me in the slightest.

 

Jessica:

They're going to describe these things to you in detail so you can understand them. It has nothing to do with Dick and company being preoccupied with them or like visualizing them.

 

   
   
   

Panel 25
Sean:

Kissing disgusts you? What are you, five?

 

Jessica:

Kissing spreads disease. Better do what we can to stop it then.

 

   
   
   

Panel 26 Sean:

Actually that's a myth. Seminal fluid isn't anywhere near as dangerous as blood. In fact, you're immensely more likely to catch diseases from the most unsanitary part of the human body: Your hands.

 

Jessica:

Has your wife ever given you oral sex? Then you have no room to talk. Semen is pretty gross, but it isn't nearly as bad as you're making it out to be.

 

   
   
   

Panel 27 Sean:

I'm honestly surprised he's complaining about the germs from saliva passing into the rectum, frankly I was expecting him to do the exact opposite. Now that I think about it, why is this starting to sound like a Reese's Commercial?

 

Jessica:

This makes me think of that hilarious Ugandan guy.

"Anal FEEEEESTING!!!!"

 

   
   
   

Panel 28 Sean:

Am I a bad person for thinking of this when he mentioned the light bulbs?

 

Jessica:

One cell thick? I don't think so. If your anal wall was one cell thick it wouldn't be good for doing anything and I think you'd have bigger problems than worrying about anal sex.

 

   
   
   

Panel 29 Sean:

Larry, the guy said he didn't want to hear anymore! Why are you continuing!?

 

Jessica:

That tidbit at the bottom assumes you never wash your penis. Ever. In which case... eeewwwwww.....

 

   
   
   

Panel 30 Sean:

Why would Chester think that a golden shower is something mundane and non-sexual when Larry's been escalating the levels of kinkiness with every act? Especially after covering his ears with garbage can lids (Which, given how prudish these people are about sanitation, I'm surprised he doesn't think you can get ear herpes that way.)

 

Jessica:

Our straw man gay guy is starting to crack. We're headed for a full blown warp-core breech here, Captain!

 

   
   
   

Panel 31 Sean:

Uh... guys? The dark shade of that urine probably means you should get your asses to a urologist.

 

Jessica:

Urine fetishes squick me out, but the truth is that urine is actually a sterile fluid when it leaves the body. It doesn't transmit HIV or other STD's. You get wet, you get smelly, but you don't get sick. It isn't until it has had a chance to lay around for a while that it starts getting fetid.

 

   
   
   
   

Panel 32 Sean:

Dick (fitting first name) seems to be under the impression that Gay men always partake in the most degrading and depraved of sexual acts. As is my understanding, the sex lives of Gays are just as varied as those of the Hetero variety. I mean, it's not like straight people ever participate in these sort of things.

 

Jessica:

All of the things he's pointed out thus far are also performed by heterosexual couples. Some straight people are monogamous and only have plain old, vanilla sex. Some are total freaks. Same goes for gay people.

 

   
   
   

Panel 33 Jessica:

ANAL FEEEESTING!!!! And den dey eat da poo poo!

 

Sean:

Come to think of it, how exactly do you know of all these things Larry? How much do you wanna bet he's enjoying this a lot more than he's letting on? "And then... they tie each other to the bed with copper wire, and then they spank each other with leather belts... oh yes... and then they bring in the goat..."

 

   
   
   

Conclusion
Sean:

Okay. That's it for now. There is no way I can possibly tackle this atrocity in a single sitting. The sheer concentrated homophobia of this.... thing is just too overwhelming. But the sad thing, the REALLY sad thing is, as bad as this was, this comic gets worse. Yes, you heard right: we haven't even BEGUN to delve into the hate.

 

Jessica:

There's two more parts to this damn thing. It's like a never-ending deluge of hate mongering.

 

 

 

 

 


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Last Modified: April 9, 2014
 
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